Did you know that the Senate impeachment trial of President Donald Trump has officially commenced? I’m told it’s a very big deal! A room full of senators, some good, most bad, have gathered in Congress to fight over the future of the current administration. Somewhere, Trump is frothing at the mouth while Pence lurks in the shadows behind him. Across the country, campaign staffers have come together to argue about optics in front of C-SPAN feeds. Me? I’m browsing images from the catwalk into the Senate chambers, obsessing over the cut of Dark Lord Lisa Murkowski’s crimson shawl, Susan Collins perplexing belt, and Debbie Stabenow’s impeachment blowout.
Despite the obvious partisan biases of certain color stories, I was surprised at the resurgence of crimson and maroon on the impeachment catwalk this morning. The colors showed in ties, belts, statement necklaces, pendant earrings, shoes, and even nail polishes! A gaggle of blowouts were coupled with more navy suits than any one person should ever be subjected too. Chanel tweed saw diminishing representation, even among the its target demo of Rich White Senators from the midwest, replaced with black co-ordinating pieces and vibrant statement jackets. Facial hair, save for the jungle overtaking Ted Cruz’ sideburns, was scant, while sun damage and dry skin made a big showing among the faces of men on both sides of the aisle.
Below, I’ve collected the best of the worst, in what will certainly amount to an pivotal day in American history, and an unremarkable day in fashion history.
Senator Debbie Stabenow, a democrat from Michigan, brought out the statement jewelry for today’s impeachment trial. Her blood-red jewels, lipstick, and matching top and nail polish, illustrated her thirst for blood. She also got a blowout just for the occasion. Question: What do you think she talked about with her hairdresser while sitting under the dryer? Probably Senator Patty Murray of Washington’s bob, which is definitely my favorite haircut of the day. Can’t you hear it now? “I like the bangs on Debbie, they’re youthful!”
Dark Lord Lisa Murkowski, hair blonder than usual, went for a semi-bare face, instead letting her crimson shawl and statement jacket speak for themselves. She still got a blowout though, even if it is more noticeably lopsided than Stabenow’s. I guess that’s your fate when you’re elected as a Republican! Also, note for the future—please don’t embroider the sleeves on a coat if you cannot carry the motif through the rest of your garment. It ruins the proportions!
Notable Confederate cosplayer Ted Cruz once again trawled through the halls of Congress sporting some suspicious looking facial hair and a greasy comb-over. The navy on his suit, combined with the pale blue shirt and askew purple tie, gave me a migraine on first glance. I’m better now, but the scars inflicted by his get-up will last the rest of my life.
Pam Bondi strutted into Congress with her gaggle of Trump’s legal goons and a hideous mustard coat. I’d normally be ruder to this terrible color story, but Bondi’s insistence on wearing coral makeup when she is clearly not favored by the color is punishment enough.
The ever thin-lipped Mitch McConnel was seen sporting a blood red tie and an ill-fitting suit. If you’re prone to being sweaty and red-faced, I strongly suggest you find a more muted palette to balance your complexion out. But, it is an excellent omen: His tie is red, and the blood that is spilled in a revolution is also red! A nice thought!
Adam Schiff also wore navy, and some terribly ugly brown loafers. I’ve seen so many navy suits today, I genuinely could care less!
White House legal goon and crime cover-up man Pat Cipollone also wore navy, except he paired it with an equally ugly red tie, and the glasses your creepy english teacher would wear when he was leering at you over your desk. Get out of my face, dude!
Shelley Moore, a republican from West Virginia, wore a hideous scarf, which complimented republican John Barrasso’s (Wyoming) hideously ill-fitting suit. Side note: My mom has the same Tumi crossbody, Shelley! I’ll call her in a bit and instruct her to throw it out.
From photos, I cannot quite tell what republican Susan Collins of Maine is wearing. Is a top and a skirt? A dress? A blouse and pants? Perhaps it is too ugly to be comprehended on the physical plane, but, like her fellow dark lords and republican senators, she opted for navy blue and a crimson accessory. Was their an internal memo about this? I’m wondering, mostly, because it takes serious commitment to collectively dress this bad. Also, please never wear a skinny contrast belt over your dress-skirt-pant-suit. Proportions, people!
Democrat Val Demings of Florida, meanwhile, showed up in a wonderfully constructed suit with a bold contrast hem. I enjoy this immensely! Her dark lip compliments the look, and pairs nicely with New York democrat Hakeem Jeffries’ tie. Good work, everyone! (Zoe Lofgren, meanwhile, opted for muted jewelry, probably because she didn’t want to upstage Senator Stabenow.)
As the impeachment trial rages on towards an anticlimactic finish, I expect that Democrats continue dressing significantly better than the crime goons and evil overlords in the Republican party. But mostly, I just hope that Debbie Stabenow and Patty Murray’s hairstylists are having a fantastic day.