Your Astrological Sign Isn't Really Changing, But It Was Fun While It Lasted

Illustration for article titled Your Astrological Sign Isn't Really Changing, But It Was Fun While It Lasted

This week we learned that silly tools with which you pretend to understand yourself are lies.


An astronomy professor from the University of Minnesota recently gave an interview in which he noted that the earth wobbles in orbit and, as such, there's an additional sign in the Zodiac — howdy, Ophiuchus! — and as a result all other astrological signs have been thrown off. If you were a Scorpio, you're now a Libra, etc.

This discovery (or perhaps non-discovery) has been reported before (like in 1995 and 2007, or even this past July) but this latest iteration seems to have caused a bit more hoopla. Perhaps that's because it's January, the month in which we supposedly Get A Fresh Start, and so this rehashed news of Our True Selves is getting attention. Or maybe we're all just eager to pick up on this stuff because it's a nice distraction from what has been an awful week: we'll run with anything, so long as it's light and fun. Please, God, just let it be light and fun.

This entertaining identity crisis, however, is a waste of time for most Westerners, even those who truly believe in this stuff, because Westerners generally adhere to the tropical zodiac. And as it turns out, your sign isn't going to really change in the tropical zodiac. (Leave it to the tropics to rescue you from a winter crisis.) Oh, AND the Minnesota professor says he was misquoted anyhow. But you'll not hear much about the Fun Story Of The Week having zero effect on any of us because, well, that's no fun! So let's just pretend that we still have a good reason to be silly and freak out.


According to the new "true" zodiac, which for our purposes will totally apply to me just for the amount of time it takes to write this post, I'm not a Pisces but an Aquarius. Aquarius?! What does that even mean? How dare the stars pull the rug out from under my faux-sense of self! Rachel Maddow nicely expressed this sentiment last night:

Like Maddow, I am stubborn. As she insists that she is and always will be an Aries, I am a Pisces, goddamit. Nevertheless, this astrological "news" was nagging at me and so, in a rare fit of misguided and ineffective self-exploration, I decided to look into the new characteristics bequeathed upon me by the stars.


Now, if I'm going to even slightly buy into this stuff, I've always understood myself to be a "classic Pisces," all sensitive and impractical and whatnot — but this doesn't necessarily bode well with my new Aquarian identity, which is more independent and less emotional. So what the hell? How to reconcile my Piscean self with all of these Aquarian traits that don't really apply to me at all? (Except the positive stuff, obviously.) Am I supposed to start disciplining myself because the planets expect me, as an Aquarius, to be a bit more practical? It's a little late for that, don't you think?

Not that I buy into any of this shit. But it's been a fun distraction for the week, hasn't it? What with all the hand-wringing over things we know are ultimately, completely inconsequential! Alas, now it's time to get back to Jared Loughner's g-string.


No, Your Zodiac Sign Hasn't Changed [CNN]
Your Zodiac Sign May Have Changed [Gawker]
Why Did Your Zodiac Sign Change? We Asked The Astronomer Who Started It All [io9]


Astrology Isn't Bullshit, It's Just Wrong

Image via piotrwzk/Shutterstock.


Sorcia MacNasty

This always cracks me up when people get hot and bothered about horoscopes (please don't take srsly — it's just a ha-ha)...

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Sarah Palin is an Aquarius. Yeah.

Pieces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. Your life serves as a warning to others.

Aries (Mar 23 - Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and inspire pity.

Taurus (Apr 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. And not the fun-to-have-around drunks, the other kind.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should not be in charge of any living thing.