You Too Can Accessorize Like A Dipsomaniac Heiress!

It’s like Vogue Italia mixed up Isabella Blow, Daphne Guinness, added a dash of Peggy Guggenheim, and popped on a Philip Treacy lobster hat. Oh, fashion! Always so whimsical. We’ve broken these looks down into easy at-home steps.

First of all, to be truly avant-garde is to understand that not only does form not follow function, form and function are like a couple going through a divorce who are barely on speaking terms. Want to wear a framed piece of needlepoint as a headband? Why not use a knitting needle as a hairpin! Cultivate strange juxtapositions in your dress. Chiffon and burlap! Coffee filters and rawhide! Crochet and a unicycle! Really, once you embrace your inner fashion eccentric and make her an outer one, and accept that all dress serves only the “function” of looking peculiar, anything is possible.

Hats. (Duh.) Concentrate on the under-appreciated accessories, like pocket watches and gaiters — as soon as you see some fucking hipster wearing a formerly overlooked item, like a turban or a fascinator, put all such accessories on strict wardrobe hiatus for the next three (3) seasons, lest you be mistaken for someone merely trendy. Learn the difference between a “cordwainer” and a “cobbler” by getting your shoes custom-made.

If you can plausibly fake (or marry into) a distinguished family background, like Dree “Great-Granddaughter of Ernie” Hemingway here, that helps. You’re going to need some kind of an initial toehold in the fashion world to get yourself on the list for the kinds of parties where people will pretend to appreciate the way you dress while “accidentally” elbowing you on their way to the (open) bar; don’t worry, eventually your carefully cultivated sense of chaotic fabulousness will ensure repeat invitations. Not to mention it helps to have the financial wherewithal to fund a budget line item for “Couture.” If you’re a penniless nobody, you may have to go the extra mile. Consider making an extreme makeup choice your signature, or traveling everywhere with your tamed pet raccoon.

Before leaving the house, take a critical look at yourself in the mirror. Then add three (3) more accessories and take away one (1) piece of outerwear.