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"You’d Be Better Off [Spooging Into] Radioactive Waste Than Dropping A Load In Paris Hilton."

Illustration for article titled You’d Be Better Off [Spooging Into] Radioactive Waste Than Dropping A Load In Paris Hilton.

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. According to these numbnuts, Samantha Ronson is a "man," Paris Hilton's lady bits are toxic waste equivalents, and Shauna Sand's vagina looks like a "badly packed suitcase." WTF Does that even mean? Check out the usual suspects and their patented brand of maleficent misogyny alongside some fitting punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!


The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way

The Crime : ageism; reducing a woman to her overly-sexualized body parts.

The Evidence: "If you have just eaten or you if you don't have enough free time on your calendar to projectile vomit for the next two weeks, be warned, you might want to skip this nip slip and upskirt look into hell brought to you by Shauna Sand. She used to be married to Lorenzo Lamas and was Playboy's Playmate of the Month for May 1996, but as you can see, a lot can happen in 12 years. Namely, turning Shauna Sand into a dayshift stripper with a pussy that looks like a badly packed suitcase. And please, I can't even talk about her tits. Maybe later. I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes now waiting for them to finish transforming into whatever they're in the middle of changing into. I'm hoping it's a hot rod or a rocket ship. You know, or something cool like that." You know, demeaning her sexual organs just makes you sound like an ignorant fool.

The Punishment: A large dose of ipecac, so that "projectile vomit" IDLYITW is predicting can happen right on schedule!

The Accused: Egotastic

The Crime: Ickily sexualizing breast-feeding

The Evidence: That's great, miracle of life and all that, but what I really want to know is when Jessica Alba is going to look like she does in these bikini pictures here? I have a sinking feeling the answer may be never. On the flip side, can you imagine how lucky that kid is, getting to be that close to Jessica Alba's breasts everyday? You know Cash Warren is getting anywhere near them for a long time." It is not Jessica Alba's raison d'etre to look hot in a bikini.

The Punishment: Six months on Honor Alba Warren diaper duty.


The Accused : Yeeeah

The Crime:: comparing a woman's vagina to toxic waste

The Evidence:"Of course she's not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I'd be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there'd just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read "The End Is Near - John 3:16." You'd be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way." God, can't these jerks even be original? Last week WWTDD made similarly derisive comments about Paris's possible pregnancy. And again: we're not thrilled about the idea of Paris procreating either, but comparing sex with her to "frying bacon in hydrochloric acid" is just tasteless.

The Punishment: 5 weeks working at a fertility clinic with reproductively challenged women.

The Accused: Perez Hilton

The Crime: demeaning a woman's looks because she is not traditionally "feminine."

The Evidence: "Now, saMAN's own, brother, producer Mark Ronson, is also confirming that they are lesbian lovers. He says: 'My sister and Lindsay [Lohan] make a cute couple, don't they?' Hmmm. Not so much! Cute is definitely not a word we would use to describe saMAN!" We're not the first to point this out, but isn't it completely hypocritical for Perez, as a vocal gay rights supporter, to bash a woman for not conforming to societal norms? Boooerns, Perez, boooerns.

The Punishment: indentured servitude to Dina Lohan.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

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@NeverNikki: Aw geez, I'm sorry. I plan on having a hundred martinis and putting a witchy curse on Perez Hilton's head tonight. And then having lesbionic sex and stamping out the patriarchy in time to catch Battlestar at 10.