There are some things you will never be able to unsee, and this is one of them: a snorkel designed specifically for the purpose of going down on ladies, which also somehow reminds me of the Honey Nut Cheerios mascot Buzz the Bee.
Did I mention it glows in the dark? Heaven help us all.
But seriously, observe:
The snorkel, which is listed on Amazon, is described as a device that “allows a man to continue breathing while performing oral sex on a woman in a spa, bathtub or even a bowl of green Jell-O.” Whether the fact that the product description omits lady-loving-ladies, lady-loving-non-binary people, non-binary-loving-non-binary people, and so forth is distinctly on purpose or a byproduct of heteronormativity is only secondary to the semantics of going down on someone with a vagina in a bowl of green Jell-O, honestly.
And yes, it only gets worse from here:
Insert the breathing apparatus into your nostrils, rub the clitoral stimulator against your favorite coral reef and start with the tongue action. With the Pussy Snorkel, any man can be a dive master.
Where do I begin? “Favorite coral reef”? “Dive master”? At least someone is sticking to an oceanic theme, I guess?
If anything can be a saving grace right now, it’s this starred (and satirical) review by an Amazon user named Ruud Lubbers:
I don’t know who’s idea this was, but I don’t think they thought it through very well.
I ordered one of these for my cat, Mr. Razzles, and it took me forever to get it on his head - I don’t know what the makers were thinking, but it’s waaaay too big for the average housecat.
Finally - after quite a struggle - I got it on and proceeded to throw Mr. Razzles into the pool. Well he absolutely FREAKED OUT! He thrashed around in the water for a minute or so before wriggling out of the pussy snorkel and then swam right for the side of the pool and climbed out before I could even get in the water with him to enjoy a nice swim.
When I tried to put it back on him, he started hissing and biting and bolted out of the backyard back into the house, where he hid under the credenza for THREE DAYS before my husband finally lured him out with some tuna...
He’s been traumatized and distrustful ever since! I don’t recommend this for cat owners or pet lovers - it’s just a bad idea all around!
I guess some semblance of humanity exists after all.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Images via Amazon and General Mills.