Sometimes the internet giveths, and sometimes it giveths SO MUCH THANK YOU KIND AND GENEROUS INTERNET. Today the internet unbuttoned her blouse, and shook out the most amazing letter from a frat bro about how to communicate with those wily and mysterious creatures known as "Jewish women".
Upon learning that his frat would be interacting with a sorority filled with Jewish ladies, the greatest little frat dude at the University of Maryland fired off the following missive to his bros.
Just know — "This is funny, but also serious." You've been warned.
Most of the Jewish people in the frat, including myself, are going to be at
[redacted]. Since we will not be there to guide and wingman you tonight, here
is a quick guide to how you should go about talking to these jewish sorority
girls tonight. This is funny, but also serious. Follow my directions and you
will have a way better greek week than you think possible. We're with these
girls for 5 straight parties so make a good impression and hava nagila hava.
1. HOMETOWN: If from an allowed hometown you are fine. If not, lie and say you
are from an allowed area. Note: DC is a toss up area, as is Vermont.
Areas you can be from: New York, New Jersey, PA (only Philadelphia area, sorry
redacted), Massachussets, Rockville/Bethesda area, Pikesville
Not Allowed Areas: The rest of Maryland (especially rural counties, looking at
you redacted), Baltimore, Atlanta, anywhere in the south, Connecticut
2. MUSIC: House is preferable, rap is fine. 90s rock could work, but it would
be better if you stuck to house. Country is out, as is normal Rock.
3. OVERNIGHT/SLEEPAWAY CAMP: Make up a camp you went to. Say it was in upstate
PA, NY, or Maine. Say it starts with "Timber" or ends in "Lake". You could
also make up an Indian (redskin kind, not the slumdog kind) name. For example,
Lack-a-wa-taka or Saska-Rata.
Say you started when you were ten years old, but stopped going when you were 15
in order to play high school sports. You liked it a lot. You still talk to
your camp friends when you can.
4. ARE YOU JEWISH?
If you are Jewish, say yes. If you look somewhat Jewish but aren't (redacted, redacted, redacted) just say you are. If you are not Jewish and don't look Jewish
(redacted) then say:
a. No I'm half-jewish but didn't get bar mitzvahed of anything. My dad is
b. No, but I'm from a really jewish area
5. TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
-How terrible it was that you couldn't eat bread during Passover (note: this is
a week long holiday) last week
-How much fun you had at Ultra (even if you did not go, say you went)
-How excited you are for greek week
-How drunk you got on Tuesday at Barking Dog (say you went)
-How excited you are for Fe to re-open because it is your favorite bar and you
are getting sick of Barking Dog and Cornerstone
-How it's funny that most people think our frat isn't jewish, when we are in
fact 70 percent Jewish and all from the NY/NJ/Boston/Philly area. In fact, both
roommates in your triple are from Long Island!
-You are a business major or an econ major or a communication major
-You want to "do something with business, maybe finance" or start your own
-Alternative 1 to that: Some science major, but you are going to med school to
be a doctor (why? because both your parents are doctors)
-Alternative 2: You are a crim major and plan on going to law school
7. WHAT TO WEAR
-Jeans are definitely preferable to other pants
-V necks are ideal
-Button downs work too, but try to avoid flannel. Solid colors are a better bet
-T shirts and graphic t shirts with words on them are great
-If you wear a cross on your neck, don't wear it
-Hats are fine, if they are backwards and snapbacked
TL; DR: To relate to all Jewish women, you just have be from Long Island, have two doctor parents, and wear a v-neck button-down man blouse with a fun graphic design. And if you're not? NBD, just lie! EASY PEASY.
UPDATE: The sorority responds!