Image: Getty

R.I.P. Rachel Meghan Markle, the lifestyle blogger from Cali who held a suitcase for Deal or No Deal and grew up on Baywatch, who was murdered by Buckingham Palace’s “about” page in May 2018 and laid to rest somewhere in rural Scotland wrapped in a Union Jack. Greetings, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, who has risen from the ashes of a heap of incinerated Tostitos with a newly-minted British affectation:

British tabloids are mystified as to how “oh, did you!,” “yes, we all had a great day, I think,” “very lucky all around,” and “like today almost, yes?” sound British to Americans, as though a certain royal coach drafted a list of phrases that are okay to say out loud and then made her repeat them with marbles in her mouth every day for six months until she would NEVER EVER EVER speak of penis hats again. Just a thought.


America’s queen, long may she rule:

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The Fat Jew got a New York Post tattoo on his chest and told Page Six about Post covers lining the walls of his home:

“Nothing in life is really that f–king consistent. Death, taxes and fire-hot Post covers.”

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And then he Instagram storied the article with a GIF over top saying “lol nothing matters.”

Bleak.


ADORABLE:

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  • MTV is giving Meghan Markle’s nephew a reality show, and the world is in for a trainwreck. [The Sun]
  • The criminal investigation into an allegation that Jamie Foxx slapped a woman in the face with his penis at a party in 2002 has been closed due to the statute of limitations. [TMZ]
  • Something something Tristan Thompson blah blah KhloĂ© et cetera. [TMZ]
  • Yada yada Kendall hooking up blah blah. [Page Six]
  • In better news, Kim’s forging ahead with her criminal justice reform efforts. [TMZ]