'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

I do not have children. I do not have nieces, nephews or little cousins. I only see kids when they cut in front of me at McDonald's. And yet, for some reason, I received a copy of The Wooden Soldier, a catalog the likes of which I have never known. Have you ever seen perfect, blond families in which the daughters are dressed like the mother, the sons are dressed like the father and everyone is dressed in the same colors and patterns? These people, apparently, are the niche market for The Wooden Soldier. Sailor suits, frothy pink dresses and Victorian boots, after the jump.

Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

Pink is for girls, blue is for boys, and tiny embroidered bunnies are for everyone.

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Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

Little Emily and Little Emerson simply cawn't attend the regatta without proper attire.

Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

The ivory and dusty rose dress is $178-$198; the Victorian boots are $108-$132; the natural linen suits are $68-$194. None of this appears to be a joke.

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Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

It goes on like this for about 47 pages. I don't even know how they got my address.

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Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

One-shouldered? Really? Seems positively smutty among all the lace, petticoats and crisp white gowns.

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Illustration for article titled Wooden Soldier Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

This is their idea of "casual." I spent my summers in an unraveling Wonder Woman bathing suit and rollerskates, how about you?

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DISCUSSION

stacyinbean

My mother used to take me to the Wooden Soldier tent sale, I forget where it was, but basically it was a giant tent filled with their clothes on major sale. I would have to stand behind a curtain with my mom shoving these hideous, itchy, velvet dresses at me. I remember it was always freezingggggg. Anyway, my kids will NEVER wear anything from here, unless my mom buys it and puts it in on them.