Woman Attempts to Smuggle Cocaine Hidden Inside Her Breast Implants

Illustration for article titled Woman Attempts to Smuggle Cocaine Hidden Inside Her Breast Implants

A Venezuelan woman was arrested at Madrid airport after it was discovered that she was carrying 1.7kg—about 3.75lb—of cocaine in her breast implants—like inside her body. Talk about a drug bust! (Ba da bum.)

The 43-year-old woman, who was arriving on a flight from Colombia, exhibited suspicious behavior, according to narcotics agents via The Guardian. After a baggage search came up clean, female officers conducted a body search and discovered "certain irregularities and deformations in both breasts."

According to police, that's when the woman got nervous and just confessed to everything, telling them all about her coke tits. She was taken to a nearby hospital where the implants were removed.

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A Small Turnip

Apropos of smuggling coke, last year I was visiting my parents at their cottage in Maine, flying into Boston. I got to the cottage and unpacked my suitcase and found a large rectangular package of white powder tucked between my sweaters. Just under a kilo. I nearly shit a brick.

I think someone must've put it in my suitcase and sent a message to someone in luggage-handling at Boston Logan to pick up before it got to me, but something went wrong somewhere along the line, and I got it.

Anyway, I raced around the cottage locking winows and pulling curtains and pushing bureaus up against doors because fucking hell I've seen movies. I know how this ends. I'm the girl who gets caught up in some heinous motherfucking drug cartel and is shotgunned in the face before the opening credits. Fuck.

Anyway, I stared at that goddamn kilo all night, and wasn't murdered, so that made me happy. But fuck, man, you better believe I use those plastic ties on my suitcases now.