Wimpy-Ass School Bans Non-Nerf Balls From Playground

An elementary school in Port Washington, New York just banned all balls that are not made of Nerf foam from its playground. Related: America’s Alliance of Kid Bullies just ranked Port Washington, New York as its number 1 favorite bullying destination for summer 2014.

Per CBS News, the rule was enacted in response to a rash of dweebs crying to their mommies after getting hit in the face with footballs and soccer balls. Now, instead of regular kid stuff, Port Washington’s Little Lord and Ladies Fluffington will play with Nerf balls.

None of them are going to make it to the League at this rate. Russia will defeat us in the War Olympics. All the old guys with flat top haircuts will flick their cigarettes and chuckle. Nerds.

In addition to soccer balls, basketballs, baseballs, footballs, and MAN BALLS being banned from the playground, Port Washington kids are no longer allowed to play tag or do cartwheels without a coach’s supervision.

Apparently playing rough outside games without protective equipment is a health hazard, but to that, I say: poppycock. Not to launch into one of those embarrassing WHEN I WAS A KID missives, but I feel a missive brewing. Half feral country children like me didn’t have cafeterias, nosir, we went outside and we caught grouse with our bare hands and we ate it by batting the raw meat into each others mouths with old boards we found lying around construction sites. We practiced our gymnastics tumbling passes on passably even strips of grass. We rode rabid skunks to school and dressed in used feed bags. We ran through the old glass factory barefoot. We gave each other tetanus just to make sure our immune systems were up to snuff. We did flips on the tire swing. We pierced our ears with old farm equipment! We slid down the sliding hill on trays from the lunchroom, and throughout all of this, I only suffered a half dozen concussions. And I’m fine! The only thing that’s suffered is my eyesight and short term memory and overall mental wellbeing.

Seriously, though: if parents of kids in Port Washington are worried that school fuck around time won’t be sufficiently dangerous to their offspring, they should rest assured that their children will figure out new ways to hurt themselves. They always have.