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Will Rahm Emanuel Turn The Obama-McCain Meeting Into A Dance-Off?

Illustration for article titled Will Rahm Emanuel Turn The Obama-McCain Meeting Into A Dance-Off?

If Barack Obama thought the post-convention part of the campaign was "silly season," he should try watching the news these days. With so little actual news to talk about, everyone's speculating about what kind of drama is going to break out at today's McCain-Obama summit, who might get jobs, who has already gotten them, Mika Brzezinski's hair, Pat Buchanan's Christmas wishes and what everyone looks like in thongs. Well, actually, those last three things might just be what Ana Marie Cox (now at the Daily Beast) speculates about, in addition to pants-off dance-offs between political rivals and which potential Secretary of State I'd rather have grab my ass.ANA MARIE: Ok I'm here, and caffeinated. Please turn on Morning Joe so that we can mock in tandem. If it were later in the day, I would recommend drinking every time they say "team of rivals." MEGAN: Yay caffeine! And, um, boo for Pat Buchanan. who just suggested that our move from a manufacturing economy to a tertiary economy is the reason the American Empire is failing. ANA MARIE: Because after a few pops maybe "team of rivals" would make sense... As it is, the only "rival" in sight for Team O is Hillary... and I am far from convinced that she's really gonna get offered the job much less take it. MEGAN: Well, do you have stuff for mimosas and Bloody Marys? Because those are perfectly acceptable alternatives to morning whiskey. ANA MARIE: If Hillary gets SecState, i will break out the morning whiskey MEGAN: I only have morning tequila. By the way, when did Mika start wearing Palin's hair? ANA MARIE: Ugh. Mika. Do you think it's weird that they cycle every editor in NYC through as a "guest host" but NO OTHER WOMEN? Is Mika so insecure that the only other lady she'll share a desk with is Andrea Mitchell and her giant floating head? And I think this is basically the same question: do you want Hillary to be the most powerful woman in the Obama White House? I mean, on the one hand — as it's been pointed out — not a lot of other women's names are out there. On the other hand: Hillary. Bill. MEGAN: We should probably comment on the fact that the freezing cold Erin Burnett just said that 80% of Russians would have voted for Obama, in part because they're hoping Obama will fix the chilly relations between us that Putin —who has his hand firmly up Medvedev's butt — is making worse over missile defense and South Ossetia... even though Putin, the cause of the chilly relations, is still damn popular himself . Well, she didn't say that part about Putin having his hand up Medvedev's butt but mostly because the KGB starting filming her there at the end. ANA MARIE: Perhaps the KGB just wanted a look at Erin's delicious ass. MEGAN: On Hillary, I mean, am I in love with John Kerry, Chuck Hagel, Sam friggin' Nunn or Bill McGrabbyhands Richardson? No. But it's not going to be Sam Powers or Susan Rice. ANA MARIE: Hagel would be a disaster. I love the rumor that the Hillary thing got leaked basically just fuck with Senor McGrabby. MEGAN: You thought watching Bush paw Merkel's shoulders that time was embarrassing, wait 'til Richardson gets his paws on her ass, even if she is a little old for his taste.

Illustration for article titled Will Rahm Emanuel Turn The Obama-McCain Meeting Into A Dance-Off?

ANA MARIE: Hagel would just go around hitting people rather than caressing them. MEGAN: Honestly, in that group, having Bill Clinton paw my ass would likely be my best option, not that he supposedly does that any more. ANA MARIE: Right. And his complete reform of c) is another reason Hillary will not be SecState. MEGAN: Please, please, please tell me you just heard that on MSNBC? ANA MARIE: No. I am projecting. MEGAN: Their slightly fey entertainment reporter just said, "Justin Timberlake in heels and tights? Yes, Pat Buchanan, there is a Santa Claus." ANA MARIE: Justin Timberlake for SecState! MEGAN: I'd smack his ass for him! ANA MARIE: I'm working really hard to get from "Timberlake in tights" to reminding everyone that Rahm is a ballet dancer... but I guess i don't really have to work that hard. Lindsey Graham totally wishing they all could wear tights to the transition meeting. MEGAN: Lindsay Graham wishes he could pick the colors, and you know he'd have one of them in fishnets. Hard to decide whether it would be Rahm or Barry. And do you think Rahm still counts time in 8's (that's a joke for everyone who ever took dance lessons)? ANA MARIE: Perhaps that's why losing part of a finger didn't phase him. Oh, and McCain trivia: When he hosted SNL, Mark Salter left him for a bit to go smoke and when he returned, the senator was in the middle of putting on fishnets for his Barbara Streisand skit... a costuming decision, safe to say, that had not been pre approved. Disaster was avoided, the nations' eyes were spared and McCain held onto his dignity for a whole nuther 8 years. and then Palin happened... Salter was unable to stop that. MEGAN: And, I have to say, the inside of my brain needs a good acid-wash now, as I was unable to avoid the mental image of seated McCain in a wife-beater and a thong, slowly unrolling a pair of fishnet stockings up one if his legs held high in the air with a pointed toe (because of the ballet conversation). ANA MARIE: See if you can sub in Rahm. MEGAN: The thong doesn't fit Rahm as well. ANA MARIE: How do you think that meeting goes today, btw? MEGAN: I'm assuming it will be about as productive as the G-20, which is to say that it will be a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ANA MARIE: Hm. I respectfully disagree. MEGAN: About the G-20, or the Obama-McCain confab? ANA MARIE: McCain Obama confab. All Obama needs to do is to tell McCain he wants to put him in charge of a new immigration bill. And then Lindsey will clap his hands together like a little girl. MEGAN: And thereby shred whatever credibility McCain still has within the Republican party? Awesome. I'm guessing lobbying reform, since that's reportedly where their relationship went sour. ANA MARIE: I don't think McCain gives a fuck about the GOP. At this point, he is truly free. MEGAN: True, although McCain did nearly completely reverse himself on immigration since the start of the campaign. ANA MARIE: Actually, the problem Rs had with him was that he didn't reverse himself enough. He changed his rhetoric but he favors comprehensive reform. MEGAN: How exceedingly practical of him! That's so unlike a Republican. But pushing an Obama immigration bill would make him the Lieberman of the Republican party, at a minimum. ANA MARIE: Lieberman is the Lieberman of the Republican party. And, like we're saying, McCain is not a very good Republican. Oh, and another point! Lots of chatter among pundits about whether or not the meeting will be "uncomfortable" because of the "harsh campaigning." I think that's pundits wanting drama where there doesn't have to be any. These are big boys. MEGAN: Do people think they're going to go at it at 20 paces or something? Bitch-slap fest? If they were going to be dicks, they wouldn't do it. ANA MARIE: And yet we're going to get HOURS AND HOURS of speculation about it. That's what today is looking like, "news"-wise MEGAN: I mean, when the biggest bold-faced names out of the Obama camp are Greg Craig, Phil Schiliro, and Valerie Jarrett, imagining a pants-off, dance-off between Rahm Emanuel and Lindsay Graham is way more fun. ANA MARIE: I think we can imagine the "vetting" of Bill Clinton as a pants-off dance off as well. MEGAN: [shudders] The other big story is that Obama might have to give up his blackberry, and he's not even going to go into rehab. ANA MARIE: I have to say this makes me a little sad. MEGAN: The end of his Blackberry, or Bill Clinton dancing in his underoos? ANA MARIE: Barry berry-less. As much as I thought the whole "McCain can't email" thing was a pointless crit, the idea of Obama being theoretically available via email was really humanizing, as weird as it may be to think of email as humanizing I mean, surely, there's a way for him to keep emailing. If we can put a man on the moon, etc. MEGAN: I mean, I also hate and think it's a shit thing that the reason they're doing it is so that less of his stuff will be accessibly under open records laws. ANA MARIE: Exactly. Sort of voids the point of records laws... MEGAN: That, and I sort of feel like: if you're not going to be DOING ANYTHING WRONG why does it matter? ANA MARIE: Because it's not as though those discussions won't happen... or as though Obama won't ever do anything shady. MEGAN: It'll just be Change if he does fewer shady things. ANA MARIE: What if he does just as many but because he's so fucking disciplined we just never find out? I consider this a real possibility. MEGAN: The problem is not whether he remains disciplined, its whether every single person that works with him remains so, and history says that they won't. Four years, let alone 8, is a long time to keep one's yap shut when there are reporters around stroking your ego and lots and lots of alcohol. Plus, as advisers start rolling over around the 2 year mark — and they have at least some time to kill given his lobbying restrictions — people are going to be looking to talk. That's how it works. He'd be better off keeping the Blackberry to remind him not to say or do stupid sketchy shit and turning over his emails to conservative interest groups than pretending like his sketchy shit isn't going to get found out. ANA MARIE: Megan Carpentier for Deputy Chief of Staff!

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Erin Gloria Ryan

I, for one, would like to see reports of the meeting between McCain and Obama dramatized in the form of an old silent western witha lively piano soundtrack.

The end, in my head, is Obama and McCain's conversation escalating to a point where they are both standing up and shouting at each other (but we can't tell exactly what they're shouting; their mouths are moving) and McCain gets very angry and starts jumping up and down before storming out. Obama, left by himself, has a hearty, belly grabbing laugh.