Sometimes when none of the regular sources (your boss, your boss’s boss, the mayor, your mom) have answers, you must turn to the occult. Mystical people and hustlers have long used tarot cards to gain insight about the past, present, and future. Today, we ask the cards: When the fuck will our servers be back?

Using a tiny deck we got as a gift (thanks Mom), we shuffled, while concentrating really hard, focusing on the datacenter. Using the left hand, we cut the deck into four pies, moving from left to right, as stipulated in the instructions. We then pulled four cards to correspond with each section of the helpfully-labeled fortune telling mat.

A: What’s at Hand

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Zero. Ha, hilarious. The book says:

Take things as they are. Matters are proceeding as planned. Do your part to settle outstanding disagreements. Kill others with kindness and let them suffere the consequences of their actions. This is a good time to build your investments or remodel your home.

Remodel because everything has been under water? Sure.

B: Past Influences

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V • The Hierophant. Looks kind of like a helping hand. The book says:

Follow the path that is familiar. Now is a good time to show how conventional you can be. Your public image and status with friends in the community are of great concern to you now. Don’t sacrifice your beliefs or freedoms for status. Keep alert to the outside world.

Yes, servers, your STATUS is of great concern. Stay alert, please. Please?

C: Ponder This

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X Of Swords. That appears to be a guy getting stabbed in the fucking back. Repeatedly. The way Sandy stabbed our servers in the back? Reading the meaning for when an image appears upside down, the book says:

Someone you love or respect will soon give you the stimulus you need to put your talents to good use. If you can resolved your self-doubts and fears, you’ll soon prove your abilities.

That “someone” is Con Ed, yes? Stimulus is electricity?

D: What To Do

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V of Cups. Uh, oh. Looks like rain! The book:

Things are not what they seem. Keep your emotions in check. Beware of deception and illusion. Reinforce your beliefs with facts and demand the same of others. Take care of unfinished business.

Translation: SANDY WAS AN INSIDE JOB.

In conclusion, everything is going according to plan, even if officials might be lying to us. And the server will be back when the server will be back.