Wild Turkeys Are Terrorizing a Town in New Jersey

Hell hath no fury like a turkey in Thanksgiving season, and the wild turkeys of Toms River, New Jersey are seeking their revenge against residents preparing to celebrate both human and turkey slaughter. Indeed, the town now belongs to them.

According to People, roving gangs of big, taloned birds are wreaking havoc all over the Ocean County township, with residents reporting bad turkey behavior ranging from “pecking at cars and behaving aggressively” to trapping humans in their vehicles. Former Met/Yankee Todd Frazier, who lives in Toms River, says the turkeys are so aggressive, he fears for his family members’ lives, tweeting that the birds “have come close to harming my family and friends, ruined my cars, trashed my yard and much more.”

I was on the wild turkey beat in my past life as a local reporter, and lemme tell you, these birds are up to some shit on the East Coast. To my recollection, they’ve done everything from staging attempted coups in the Hamptons to sneaking their turkey babies into the Stamford, Connecticut school system to crashing through kitchen windows in Teaneck, New Jersey. Turkeys mean business, and they love to leave the towns they lay waste to in shambles.

Now, Toms River is under siege. I asked a friend of mine who grew up in the area what he thought of this new development.

“Let the turkeys have the town, I say,” he said. (He does not have fond memories from his time in Toms River.)

Per my source:

My friends and I always got lost driving around Holiday City when I was 18 because it is a labyrinth of identical homes and looping streets with confusing names that we used to joke was designed to keep the old people from leaving; it didn’t work because they always escaped to vote en masse against things that would benefit young people in Ocean County, so it is possible the turkeys are the ghosts of failed school board budgets and inadequate attempts to clean up the cancer water come back to haunt the community at last. Or maybe they can’t find their way out.

As for the Toms River residents who have not fled, it appears they’ve called in law enforcement to quell the turkeys, which seems as good a reason to root for the birds as any.