Tighten your seatbelt, this post is going to be a bumpy ride. In the past few weeks we've discussed ways in which people have gotten back at their exes: Phony presents, double penis removal and naked abandonment in public. This week, we've got something even better. Live updates.
What you're about to read is pretty intense. Probably not as intense as it is for the two dudes that just found that their wives have bonded over mutual cheating and are probably off doing orgies together, but still pretty difficult to take. Because this tale has everything: twists, turns and private investigators.
My wife (Jenny) and I have been married for 8 years. We met when we were 22 and we had both just graduated from university. It's been great so far, we haven't had a huge argument where we've had to separate for a period of time or anything like that. Also, we have given each other our passwords to our phones and personal emails.
Well, Jenny was sleeping this morning and my brother shot her a text. My brother's wife (Carly) and Jenny are planning on going out of town for a get-away while my brother, I, and some friends are going to watch football on Sunday and hang out during the weekend. He was asking Jenny to text Carly on his phone because Carly dropped her phone in the toilet. My brother and Carly were basically sharing phones for the time being till she gets a new phone.
I decided to open up the phone and reply something stupid and funny in order to embarrass Jenny. So I opened up the iMessage app and went to read their previous conversation to see what was happening, so I could tell a relevant joke. 2nd to the top of the list of conversations was a chat with a guy/girl named Zack. I didn't know who Zack was, but the most recent thing he sent her was "
To my horror, there was sexually explicit talk of what he wanted to do to Jenny when she "crawled up next to his sack." What a filthy beast. I scroll up, and there are multiple nudes from both of them waiting for me to discover. Most of them are dated sometime between 1-4am (usually I'm sleeping then, smart.) so I knew she was obviously trying to hide it from me.
I realized my wife is cheating on me. I took a moment to realize that this was the end of our marriage. All of our happy times, our foreign trips, and our romantic nights must have meant nothing to her. I put the phone down and went to the bathroom to freshen up while Jenny was still sleeping.
That. sucks. How unfortunate and fortuitous that this guy chose to use his wife's phone to write an embarrassing message. I do this all the time with my partner's phone (mostly I just write "I am gay" to his friends, which is kind of anticlimactic because he is out, but Ive got to find my fun somehow) and have not yet accidentally stumbled onto one instance of him cheating on me. Either he hides it really well (unlike Jenny) or he's not doing it. Jenny, however, doesn't seem to have any problem just letting it all hang out. With everyone. Because it gets so, so much weirder.
The first of several live updates:
5:15pm) 1/16/2015: Private Investigator hired to tail her Saturday, Sunday and Monday
(6:00pm) 1/16/2015: It took a while, but passwords to everything changed, backed up personal info, created throwaway email to send proof to.
(6:47pm) 1/16/2015: She's home, It really sucks speaking to her normally, but I'm dealing with it. No sex. Also, I've found 3 excellent divorce lawyers for myself. Luckily I make much more than her so I can afford an excellent lawyer while she can only afford a mediocre one at best.
(8:13pm) 1/16/2015: Hired a divorce lawyer (pricey) but he's known to do excellent work. I'm in good hands. It's tempting to have sex, my soon to be ex-wife is trying extra hard to seduce me tonight for some reason. She's either super horny or is trying to get me to have sex with her as a form of infidelity forgiveness.
(8:54pm) 1/16/2015: Goddammit she's on her phone texting again in the bathroom. I can hear the send button being pressed over and over. It's probably nudes and sexy talk. Jeesus this hurts.
(9:55pm) 1/16/2015: She went to bed, I'm sitting here watching TV on my laptop. She's trying to initiate sex, I of course have to decline. I went to have sex with her but I'll control myself. Despite what she did being unforgivable, she's still beautiful on the outside.
Private investigators are expensive. When my mom hired one to tail my dad for this very reason (he was cheating and also spending many of his days trying on light summer jackets at outlet malls, which I have pictures of) she had to pay him about $1,000 for a week and the information he found was good, if a little boring. Actually, the premise of bring a private investigator and making money following my dad around, documenting exactly how many mini-muffins he bought at Starbucks before going to Kohl's with his mistress is a really depressing one. Charge whatever you want, private investigators. Charge more.
And they should, because then this happened. LORD LORD LORD.
(2:31pm) 1/17/2015: F*CK. Carly texted my brother about Jenny. So my brother knows, Carly knows, I know. They didn't know I knew, so my brother just told me (text). I need them both to shut up about this and I need to act surprised when one of them call me. In the last 15 minutes everything has come crashing through the roof.
IF JENNY FINDS OUT I KNOW, THIS IS WHOLE EVIDENCE COLLECTING THING IS RUINED. I need a way to tell them to shut up without giving away what I'm doing…
The case is ruined if Jenny finds out because I'll ruin my oppurtunity to get even more evidence. I'll be stuck with the video of her entering and the quick entering kiss. I want more. I have this PI guy scheduled till Monday, might as well use it up.
(2:41) 1/17/2015: My head is spinning. This is too much information for 30 minutes. I can't deal.
Carly texted my brother Jenny is cheating. My brother texted me. I cannot have them tell Jenny I know because it'll ruin my opportunity to collect even more evidence to truly cement my case. I'm not sure if a quick kiss and entering a house will suffice the infidelity clause. She might be able to play it off as a friendly greeting. The PI is scheduled till Monday, so I've got more time to collect evidence if my bro and Carly keep their mouths shut.
Wait for it....
(3:51pm) 1/17/2015: Remember the guy that met up with Carly in Starbucks? He just got into the car that Zack and Jenny are in. They're all sitting together discussing something. Things are heating up again. I'll post proof later on I'm trying to follow the situation now. It's escalating quickly just like earlier.
(3:55pm) 1/17/2015: They've pulled out of the shopping center, PI is tailing.
(4:04pm) 1/17/2015: They have arrived at the hotel. Zack, Jenny, and stranger are heading into the hotel, Carly is inside the hotel somewhere. The stranger is probably the person Carly is having an affair with i'm guessing. If the stranger was a hitman, I'd think he'd be a bit taller or muscular. He looks like an average guy, although he's fairly short. Not sure how the PI can go about following without looking suspicious.
(4:11pm) 1/17/2015: My PI followed them into the lobby, Jenny picked up a room key and all 3 of them headed for the elevator. We're essentially blind right now, we don't know what's going on in the hotel room(s). PI want's to know if he should stakeout the hotel or if we should call it a day? It seems like they'll spend the rest of the day in the hotel and they'll also sleep together there.
I think Carly was trying to portray Jenny as the only person who was cheating, that's why she texted my bro right away. I think now if Jenny rats out Carly, Carly will deny it and say Jenny is just saying that because she was caught cheating. Once again, my head is spinning.
(4:16pm) 1/17/2015: Okay, so essentially all four of them are inside the hotel doing something, most likely having sex. The thought of my wife having sex with another man makes me want to puke, but I'm coping. There is no way for my PI to get upstairs in the hotel or to find out what's going on in there. He'll stake out the hotel for a few more hours before heading home.
(4:28pm) 1/17/2015: Jenny just texted me that Carly is cheating……………… I actually don't know where to go from here.
(4:41pm) 1/17/2015: Still not sure what I should reply to Jenny. What should I say? My life is being destroyed here :/
Both Jenny and Carly are cheating and turning on each other in order to protect themselves. Jenny's husband knows that Carly is cheating (as well as Jenny) and Carly's husband knows that Jenny is cheating and is about to get a nasty surprise when he learns that his wife isn't telling him about Jenny's cheating in order to feel moral, but to ruin Jenny's credibility when she turns her in to save herself.
Here's the climax:
(11:11) 1/18/2015: Welp, I've learned my brother is not very good in a crisis. When he arrived, we ate and I told him about the whole cheating situation and how I have video. I showed him a screenshot of Jenny kissing Zack and Carly talking to the stranger at Starbucks. I showed him them hung over at the hotel, the texts, etc. He started to freak out. I was afraid he was gonna burn my house down. It took me a good 10 minutes to get him under control. But, he was suprisingly amazingly calm afterwards. It was like he had a short breakdown then went back to his normal state.
We talked over options and decided that we would each act like we didn't know about our spouses cheating, like we were clueless. So I'll act like my brother and Carly never said anything about Jenny, and my brother will act like I haven't told him about Carly. It may or may not work, but we're doing this to keep our spouses under control. The last thing we'd want is our spouses to come home and have a simultaneous freak out trying to damage-control…
Now, me and my brother are waiting for them to make some moves, hopefully leave the hotel and show public displays of affection to cement our divorce cases. We still aren't 100% sure Carly cheated at all, no picture or video proof other than her talking to a guy at Starbucks. Just a few more pictures and videos and we can stop this madness and get on with our divorce cases. He's finding a lawyer tomorrow and will meet with one sometime this week. The mood in this house is so sad, I don't like it one bit. Might have to talk a walk or something.
The last we'll hear from him:
(2:39pm) 1/18/2015: They're on their way to the hotel again. Don't know what they're up to now. Possibly retrieving their things before coming home.
(2:47pm) 1/18/2015: They've arrived at the hotel. Instead of normally walking in, they clearly were in a hurry and lightly jogged/speed walked inside. Either they just wanted to walk faster, or they know somethings up. Jenny is talking on her cell phone standing outside the door of the hotel and Carly is waiting for her inside the lobby. Jenny isn't calling me or my brother, so I don't know who she's talking to.
Already at the top of the TIFU front page wtf
(2:52pm) 1/18/2015: Jenny is still talking on the phone, Carly has joined her outside and they are taking turns talking. My brother is racing to get a couple cameras set up. This will be close.
(2:54pm) 1/18/2015: Friends called and asked if I'm still gonna join them to watch Football in a few hours, not sure if I should decline or continue. I'll think it over.
(3:00PM) 1/18/2015: They got their bags and it looks like they checked out of the hotel. They're in the car now getting ready to pull out. PI is getting ready to tail them if they drive off. To everyone asking how Carly texts, she has a replacement phone (Warranty).
(3:02pm) 1/18/2015: Bank came through and as requested yesterday afternoon, joint bank account is frozen. I will be notified about any withdraws from my personal account (in case info was stolen) for the next 2 weeks.
(3:07pm) 1/18/2015: I guess they love talking in coffee shops and in cars, because they're still in the car talking. I don't know who they were speaking to on the phone. I have the Seahawks-Packers game on TV to my left with brother watching, surveillance up on my right computer monitor and this post up on my left monitor, and checking phone for written updates from PI. This is getting hectic.
(3:15pm) 1/18/2015: They've pulled out of the hotel, isn't clear where they're going, PI is tailing. Brother is trying to hide the recorders.
(3:20pm) 1/18/2015: We only have two recorders in the house, we'll need to run out and get one or two more. If Jenny and Carly drive home, we won't have time. They are driving towards a familiar area, it includes a grocery store, a few buildings, and the gym I go to.
(3:23pm) 1/18/2015: It's too risky to go out for more recorders, looks like we'll just stay with the two that we have. They're getting closer to the gym/grocery store area.
(5:44pm) 1/18/2015: Shit is going down. I can't type for more than a minute right now. Nobody has gotten hurt or anything, just a lot of shit. I'll update when I get the chance, maybe at my buddy's place. I'm probably getting out of here to watch the game. This isn't a pleasant place to be :( I'm trying to get through this. Tears were shed, anger, grief, yelling, my goodness. Nothing physical at all.
(3:27pm) 1/18/2015: They've left the grocery/gym area, they could be heading home. They're 20 minutes away, just in case they come here, what should we say?
(3:32pm) 1/18/2015: They're on a route that leads here. I was prepared for this. I'm running programs that are wiping history and data off my phone and computer. This will take a few minutes. My brother and I are just acting like nothing is up and we're watching the game before going to hang with some friends in a few hours.
(3:39pm) 1/18/2015: They're definitely on their way here. Recorders are hidden, devices are being wiped, stories are being prepared. This is gonna be a shitty next few hours for me, but you guys will probably enjoy the update after we talk.
God I hope this goes smoothly.
(3:46pm) 1/18/2015: They're pulling up to the house, they're almost on the street. ~2 minutes away. Any replies to comments will be made through my phone, can't update posts through mobile. I'll update you guys after everything goes down, it'll be a while. Bracing myself.
Damnnit they were supposed to come home at night when I was gone. They're here. brb.
(5:49) 1/18/2015: Shit is going down. Nothing physical though. I can't type for more than a minute or two, but it isn't great. Yelling, anger, sadness, crying, a ton of crying, pleading, explaining, contradicting. This isn't a great place to be right now. I'll update when I'm at my buddy's house, it'll be a while. Sorry I couldn't update sooner. Nobody is hurt at all. You guys are having a great time reading I bet, this is the worst time of my life :(
(5:51) 1/18/2015: Jenny is using the bathroom. I'll quickly say the next update that I post at my friends house will be lengthy. And not very good. It went more or less as I expected. The lies I've been told in the past 2 hours, the lies.
I have to get out of here, it isn't pleasant.
A huge part of my life is falling apart around me. I'll find a way to cope, I'm not a bitch, I can get through this. So can my brother. I'll update as soon as I can.
It's likely the situation will update as events warrant, but even if nothing more is written about this sad, sad affair (double meaning there) here are two ruined marriages, at least two broken hearts and the most interesting case of sister-in-laws bonding with each other.
The one thing I can say, which might be a comfort to anyone who has ever had to hire a private investigator to tail their significant other: The reports you get will always feel interesting and important and are a nice way to feel good about your life when you read them after the fact. Or while you're crying. And they do hold up in court. When my parents went to talk to a judge, he was both disappointed that my dad sucks and also amused at how many Ross and Kohl's stores my dad can hit in one day. Five.
Uproxx points out that this story may not be real, but I don't think it's fake. Something sad and involved like this doesn't seem like it would be done for Karma, so I'm giving it a 1 on the Karma index (meaning I totally believe it). This just seems like a sad and angry guy who wants some support from the internet. He's certainly not getting it at home.
There's at least one silver lining, dude: Your "caught my spouse" cheating story is probaby better than nay other story of this nature we will read this year. Best of luck! Remember, Vajankles are always out there.
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