Why We Hate Heather Mills, Have Vague Contempt For Bernie Kerik, And Mild Indifference For Our New Attorney General Guy

Illustration for article titled Why We Hate Heather Mills, Have Vague Contempt For Bernie Kerik, And Mild Indifference For Our New Attorney General Guy

Why do "they" hate us so passionately? Why do "we" hate Heather Mills so passionately? Sure, you think you know, but Crappy Hour is where you come to remind yourself you really have no idea. And also! Ponder What Yoko Would Do. Anyway, thank Allah it's Friday, right? Because being optimistic is the only way to get ahead in this life, but if that's too hard, nihilism works just as well. Also: will Al Qaeda attack our shopping malls?


YOKOOMOE: Okay, so more "economy = fucked" news today. A story in the Journal dives deep to recreate how Citigroup CEO Chuck Prince went from, uh, prince to... ousted by the Saudi prince that owned a bunch of their shares in two fast weeks. The upshot: everyone knew that mortgage-backed securities were all going straight to shit, but Citi had bought really expensive, premium mortgage-backed securities and they didn't think it would affect them and then...whoa! Ten billion dollars in writeoffs. The main drama is how ex-CEO Sandy Weill always thought Prince was letting costs get out of hand, but he felt hypocritical flying around in the Citi corporate jet he still gets to use telling Prince Alwaeed et al that sort of thing, until now! Anyway I still don't really understand how it could all go so very very wrong so very very quickly, until I read this unrelated Journal story on how "our brains seem built for optimism. People who get ahead have flagrantly ovreroptimistic notions of how things are going to turn out. Doesn't that explain just about everythng? Oh, but there's one career in which optimism is counterproductive to success: lawyer.
LOBBYIST: Too true, lawyers aren't really built for optimism. One, though, has to be happy this morning: Heather Mill's lawyer fired her!
YOKOOMOE: And sometimes I get the feeling I talk too much about the economy on this blog, but yesterday I TOTALLY GOT A LATE-NIGHT EMAIL from someone claiming to be a 30-year-old working in finance with a "ginormous crush" on me. But he wouldn't tell me his name; he just went with the email name "Senor El Muy Guapo." I wonder if this means he is bilingual!
Oh my god, Heather Mills. Can we talk about her for one minute.
LOBBYIST: Oh, God, totally, if only to remind people that not all women are like her!
YOKOOMOE: I mean, when your amputated stump is up for grabs as joke fodder...how much of a shit do you have to be?
And then it turns out Barbara Walters is related to Paul McCartney's new girlfriend. Okay, the only question now is: has Yoko spoken out on this one?
LOBBYIST: When Barbara Walters, Star Fucker Extraordinaire, is willing to go on record saying you're a cunt, how bad do you have to be?
Nuh-uh! I did NOT see that Barbara is related to Paul's new girl! And, please, Yoko has better things to screech about.
YOKOOMOE: Well, yeah, and apparently she didn't even know her relative was banging Paul.
Because if she did, she probs would have shut her trap.
Just "knowing" Babs.
LOBBYIST: I dunno, is it a conflict of interest to call the ex wife of someone a relative is shtupping a "not nice" person if everyone knows she is one?
Speaking of unexpected things for women to do (I know, bad segue), Pelosi voted yes on approving a Free Trade Agreement with Peru
YOKOOMOE: AHEM, so glad there's Google. Yoko publicly praised Heather's prowess dancing with stars and stump.
LOBBYIST: and even she thinks that's a little fucked up
Well, I have to admit, that was pretty impressive. I watched that prosthesis show religiously on Discovery Health Channel and none of them were like ballroom dancing on national TV
YOKOOMOE: Oh man, that's funny, she just comes right out and says it, "Yeah, I know, I don't usually vote for bills that help foreign workers and multinational corporations to the detriment of American workers who are probably screwed anyway, but I'm a woman and I'm entitled to change my mind!" Um...so do you know anything about Peru? My friend Stavros just came back from doing ayahuasca there. He said it changed his life, but um, I don't really see any evidence of that. Like last night he had probably nine beers.
LOBBYIST: One of my exes went there for 2 weeks. When he came home, he started posting personal ads on the internet looking for a new girlfriend/fuck buddy after being sweet and faithful for 2+ years
So it changed two lives, how generous of him!
YOKOOMOE: Oh, crap, so Mukasey was confirmed. I'm thinking I don't really care though?
LOBBYIST: No, I don't really care. He seems less stupid than Gonzo, and it's not like Bush was gonna nominate someone who the Dems were gonna be buddy-buddy with, and someone needs to fucking run that department, so...
YOKOOMOE: Wait, getting back to free trade the trade gap "narrowed unexpectedly" last month. Meaning the weak dollar is helping someone, because $100 a barrel oil prices sure aren't! And speaking of oil, they found a bunch in Brazil! So when I suggested Gisele maybe should have kept her money in Brazilian Reals, I was more right than I could have known, eh? And I'm having all these thoughts because you forced me to skim that cover story in the Times Magazine about how oil reserves affect economies last week. What will my brain do without you??
LOBBYIST: What my brain does? Cope with the ADD through copious alcohol consumption? Oh, wait, never mind.
YOKOOMOE: They're crediting "demand for American-made products" for the trade thing. Um, what exactly is made in America? I'm just wondering.
LOBBYIST: It's also letting the dollar get weak helps our exports and hurts umports
er, imports
YOKOOMOE: I seem to remember from my CNBC watching days that semiconductor manufacturing equipment is still made here.
LOBBYIST: Cars are, not that we sell so many in Peru because they can get them from Brazil
YOKOOMOE: Oh yeah and unitards, gold lame leggings etc. And silly me CARS. Of course!
LOBBYIST: I mean, we make them, it doesn't mean we sell them!
Union contracts don't really care about that end of things, normally
I dunno why this cheeses me off, but did you see Minnesota is talking about setting up a fund to pay bridge collapse victims, like, tomorrow?
Because now that the 9/11 people got all that special money (that the Oklahoma City bombing people didn't), everyone thinks their tragedy is worth at least that much.
YOKOOMOE: Also, oh yes, you cannot forget, guns. That's gotta be a pretty big industry. As is repairing underfunded infrastructure projects. And yeah; that is annoying. Although, how many victims were there? And at least Minnesota isn't as annoying as New York, where you had all those Cantor Fitzgerald traders' widows being like "I don't know how you could possibly expect me to iive off the same sort of stipend you'd give a janitor."
LOBBYIST: I don't really know- there was like a handful of people that died, and a buncha people got injured. But, yes, the rich and well-educated that were demanding millions in compensation from taxpayers like you and I to be able to continue living in the style to which they were accustomed still drives me crazy. Like, your husband could've been cheating on you, about to leave, or have gotten hit by a cab leaving the building to walk to that strip club down the street, but you're set for life. Congrats.
But, hey, speaking of the "heroes" of 9/11, didja see they're indicting Kerik, like agian?
YOKOOMOE: Anyway, it's all over and done with now, and apparently they're GOING AFTER OUR SHOPPING MALLS NEXT. How out of touch are these al Qaeda guys? Everyone's predicting shitty holiday sales! Oh wait, this is a warning put out by the FBI. So, um. Doesn't the FBI have, like, three agents who even know how to speak Arabic?
Oh yeah, KERIK. Hee hee. People really love that he's such a sleazebag and such good friends with Giuliani, but the rest of America is like "Huh? He's not fucking little boys, so what's the problem?"
He reminds me a lot of Michael Lohan actually.
LOBBYIST: What do they need Arabic-speakers for when they can just do body-cavity searches at the airport?
YOKOOMOE: He's a Michael Lohan-grade sleazebag, and next to Dina, well, no one really cares. And regarding the Arabic, they're all here already! The terrorists are among us! Shopping at our malls, cutting us off in traffic! We will NEVER BE SAFE.
LOBBYIST: Right, sorry, I forgot. I stopped watching Lou Dobbs because I was getting drunk too early this week and forgot to hate/fear all people who have darker skin than me.



@Andalucía: See, it totally sounds like a DNC thing to say...but I really think something can be done if we get an actual, workable majority. Because one dude in the Senate ain't a real majority. And Joe Lieberman doesn't count at all.

You know what I mean? When Clinton was in office, it was impossible because of the complete fucking wall that Gingrich and the R majority put up against him. Awful. I'm sure those fuckers will still blame Hillary or Barack for everything...but hell, if things improve they won't be too hard to ignore.

Did you see the video of Dennis K on Tucker? Great stuff. Kucinich is so articulate and fabulous. It's weird because I want all our candidates-except Richardson!- to be in the cabinet. Like all of them to be co-presidents together, please.