Last week we briefly mentioned an Esquire profile of Vince Vaughn in which the writer, Chris Jones, exhibits his obsession with Vaughn's physical prowess. Well, now that the full article is up on Esquire's website, it's clear that Jones has fallen head over heels for Vaughn in what could be the one-sided literary bromance of the decade. Jones not only coos over Vince's "great golden acreage," but he also creams over Vaughn's political aptitude ("his impassioned take on the Israeli—Palestinian conflict is like listening to Khrushchev banging his shoe on the podium"), and his skill as a confidant ("he's really listening, as though someone's grabbed him by the shoulders"). Three quarters of the way through the interview, Jones declares his undying love: "Vaughn sits back, picks up his drink, surveys his audience, and he smiles that really nice smile of his. He's loving this. He's loving that we've fallen in love."The thing is, Chris Jones is not alone in his bromantic feelings towards Vince's golden acreage. To most "dudes," Vince Vaughn is the kind of guy they want to befriend, or even better, the kind of guy they want to be. He was even given the "The Golden Mantlers" and inducted into the Guy's Hall of Fame by Spike TV. But why has the dude demographic, a demographic which is generally not comfortable with expressing same sex affection, professed its undying love for this gargantuan funnyman? We parsed the Esquire article and figured it out. 1. He's good looking, but not too good looking, and certainly not girly looking. He's a big hunka virile man.
His hair rises like a wave above the low-tide beach that is his forehead. (He calls it his fivehead.) His face is full, puffy enough to make him sometimes look as though he's fighting to keep his eyes open—not as though he's just woken up but as though he's never bothered to go to bed in the first place. it.
2. Vaughn dresses like a slob and is still able to pull down famous, quality ladies, like Jennifer Aniston, Joey Lauren Adams, and by some accounts Cameron Diaz.
He wears a pair of old-school Nike sneakers that could be used as war canoes. About…Even from across this crowded restaurant, it's possible to see a jumbo slice of Vaughn's naked belly. It's too much to ignore, this great golden acreage, because he leads with it and because it's probably been kissed by Jennifer Aniston, standing on her tippy-toes. The man doesn't just occupy airspace; he fills it.
3. And speaking of ladies! Vaughn makes sorta lame frattish jokes a lot but he's good natured enough to get away with it. Like this conversation between Vince and bff Jon Favreau. Didja know? Wives are naggy and annoying!
"Are you done having kids?" Vaughn asks. "Yeah, I'm done." "You're not going to pull the goalie ever again?" "No. Joy says, 'It's wife number two if you want more kids.' " "Then you would have to move to, like, some Islamic country where you could have another wife," Vaughn says. "Or nowhere. I could do the Hollywood thing, just hit reset." "Or you could move into Warren Jeffs territory." "I could set up a compound?" "Yeah," Vaughn says, "a compound. That was so disturbing. You see all these little girls who look like extras from Little House on the Prairie. It's like Half Pint's been putting out for everybody. . . . " "Polygamy seems appealing," Favreau says, "but then I've been watching that show Big Love, and you realize it's the same headaches." "It's triple the headaches. Triple the nagging. Triple the question, What are you thinking?" "Yeah, one marriage is enough," Favreau says.
4. But finally, the reason so many dudes love Vince Vaughn is because underneath all that golden-hued bluster, he's really just a sad clown. Dudes can wholeheartedly get behind Vaughn because he's not confident 100% of the time. Even the most hardened bro needs to shed a tear every now and again.
Just then, Vince Vaughn looks the way a big man looks when someone stands up to him for the first time in his life. He looks like a man who knows that he can cover only so much ground, that even giants have their limits. He looks like a man who knows he will have to pick a side. He looks suddenly smaller. He still looks a lot like Vince Vaughn, only built to scale.