Why Politicians' Wives Stay With Their Crappy, Pathetic Husbands

Illustration for article titled Why Politicians Wives Stay With Their Crappy, Pathetic Husbands

Guess what? Senator Craigslist's wife Suzanne, ignored for decades on account of boringness or something, has suddenly begotten all manner of media think pieces on her curious decision to "stand by her man." Don't think you'd do it? Neither did Louisiana whore patron Senator David Vitter's wife!

Commenting on the Clinton scandal, Wendy Vitter told the media in 2000, "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he [Vitter] does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me."

Before deciding to stand by the president, the current New York senator had denied she would do any such thing during her husband's first run for office in 1992 amid allegations that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers.

"I'm not some little woman, standing by my man, like Tammy Wynette," she told CBS's "60 Minutes."

The Vitters, like the Clintons, remain married.

Which brings us to an imporant and age-old question: do these women stay because it's a lot easier than allowing the full weight of the insanity brought about by such public betrayal i.e. Dina McGreevey? Because their husabnds are so pathetic? And on a related note, why don't lesbians cruise?

Because women's bathrooms are simply too crowded and gross and tapping one's foot while in one is already a universally-accepted way to convey the sentiment, "OMG I am about to urinate down my pant leg; please please please please let me cut in front of you just this once?"

Craig's Wife Stands By Her Man [ABC News]

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DISCUSSION

You know, I've never really understood people blamed Hillary for her choice. It's all about what you can handle and what's most important for you at this point in your life. She wanted to be a significant political figure—she wants to be President. OK! Fine. Go for it. Does any other very ambitious person, male or female—and I thought we already settled the question of whether it's OK for women to be ambitious, right?—do any different?

Every other middle-aged person in a less-than-perfect relationship (and where are the perfect ones? I don't know one) is doing that cost-benefit calculation. Why the hell not. It's common sense.

Cuz if I were she, I'd be thinking—-hmmm, I divorce Bill and what do I have? Just me. And I'm not sexy and fun and charismatic like Bill—people don't care about smart, at least in this country, half the population even hates and FEARS smart—especially smart WOMEN—so I'll end up going the way of all the other women who've flown ambitions to the Presidency in the past, which is total nowhere.

OTOH, I hang on to Bill—-not only cute and popular and a great campaigner but also quite a brilliant strategist who's the best free advisor I could get to help me (I was gonna say Rhodes Scholar, but just found out that the pathetic David Vitter was a Rhodes Scholar!!!! can you believe it) and I just might make it. Which—that's my goal. Prez.

(Could I, myself, little prsfone, handle all that ongoing infidelity from my man? I mean look, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Bill's gonna keep on doing his thing, doncha think? I think. No, I couldn't. But I think that's cuz I'm a sensitive girl. I actually care too much what other people think of me. I don't have the thick skin anyone's got to have to be in politics, like Hillary. I don't want to be President and I don't need any particular man to follow my dreams. We're just two different temperaments.)

BUT. Hey Suzanne! Call me! Because life is not over, baby girl. YOU, OTOH, do not need that sad sack, Larry, at all. Trixie from Toronto above said she was 43 and life was not that easy at this point on the scene...well, try 53. And when I go to the gym I get hit on by guys and I NEVER had this happen when I was younger. I was invisible in high school and college, and am certainly no startling beauty and not had any plastic surgery and I would wear a AA cup if I hadn't given up on bras thirty years ago. But now I think—-it's not that hard really. Just get yourself to some Pilates, do some jogging, do some weight lifting—you're going to feel better doing some exercise every day. It'll help jack you out of that funk you're in. Trust me on that. Get yourself a good lawyer, honey, and use some of Larry's money to go see a nice holistic doc who'll give you some testosterone and some other hormones if you need it. (That might be why you never though sex was that great a thing.)

Use a little more of Larry's money to get a dermatology and plastic surgery consult if you want. But don't obsess over that part. Because here's a big secret: a lot of men LOVE older women. Think we're sexy and interesting. And if you go to the gym, you're gonna meet them. (IF you even want to.)

Go back to the girl you were when you were eleven, Suzanne. Go and find her. Ditch the Concerned Women of America luncheons and go white-water rafting. Go back to college.

Oh, as for Vitter. Eeeek. WAY more embarrassing. Now, Vitter's wife was a prosecutor. She had a career, separate from David's, once. So, honey, go PROSECUTE.

Life is long.