Poop finds a way.

Poop. Finds. A. Way.






Obviously, people have theories about what is going on here. Back at the first Yahoo! Answers question asking how ladies keep the poop off their thongs, we are privy to many variations on the first theory that probably comes to mind. In summation:

You're not wiping correctly.

You're not wiping enough.

You need to use some water on that.

You need to use wet wipes in there.

You need to not wear thongs.

You are gross.

Medical Theories

I asked a nurse practitioner to discuss some possibilities with me for this phenomenon. Her first suspicion is that it is a cleanliness issue. Her theories were, in order of likelihood:

Not wiping as fastidiously as imagined.

Wet fart.

Fecal incontinence.

Fecal incontinence is more common, she said, in women who are post-partum, or have a history of a traumatic vaginal delivery (often with use of forceps). There are plenty of other things that can cause FI, she added, like chronic constipation, diarrhea, IBS, and medications. Risk also increases with age. But the issue would be a regular occurrence in those cases, and not something that only happens after bowel movements. But if this issue only happens after you poop, then it is more likely an issue with wiping.


Uneducated Guesses From Being Alive, Reading Stuff

I have an uneducated armchair theory that perhaps women who experience this hard-to-wipe good scenario have messy poops. You know, a poop where it just seems like you have to wipe forever. It happens! That could be related to other bowel issues, like IBS, but if that were the case, there would be other issues aside from just cleanliness. But if all else is good to go and you are just having messy poops, you could always try more fiber. WHO DOESN'T NEED MORE FIBER?



But maybe the issue is just this: A thong string is going to get up in there. If you're devoted to them, devote yourself to the best, most state-of-the-art, A-game wiping techniques as a preventive measure. According to Go Ask Alice! at Columbia University's health site (and my favorite site ever), who was recently asked about proper ass-wiping techniques for thong wearing, those tactics include:


And as for thongs:


Heed this advice. Until the magical no-wipe poop is achieved, this seems like the best we can do.

Image by Jim Cooke.