Why Is iTunes Selling a Book Called Bitch, Are You Retarded?

Illustration for article titled Why Is iTunes Selling a Book Called emBitch, Are You Retarded?/em

Oh dear.

From the description:

EVERY WOMAN HAS A GIRLFRIEND WHO NEEDS THIS BOOK! Carlos J. Lee has been every "bad boy" that you have ever dated. He's a former dog, liar, cheater, a*****e*, user, manipulator and has slept with hundreds of women. He is here to teach you that when it comes to the man in your life it only comes down to three things, either he loves you, or he's in love with you and when to walk away! You will learn the difference between possessing a mans mind and his heart. You will also learn what most women don't know about a man, which is, a man knows within the first five minutes of meeting a woman, what role he wants her to play in his life. These are the reasons why most women find themselves heartbroken, frustrated, and losing sleep. They don't know the difference and are unaware. Today is your awakening, your epiphany and new beginning. You will see the man in your life in a different way and know how he really feels about you. Carlos will save you from years of heartache and wasting your time with a man who isn't your real soul mate.

So it's He's Just Not That Into You with more swears and women hatred? Or Dealbreakers by Lesbian Yellow Sourfruit that's geared toward terrible dudes? Got it, alright.

The book is self-published through Penguin, and distributed through iBookstore. The thing is, Apple is notoriously picky about what they sell in the App store, but it appears that any old shit can go up in the books section:

Can I distribute self-published books on the iBookstore?

Yes. All instructions and processes are the same for both publishing organizations and self-published authors.


Just because a book is available on iBookstore and appears to be published by Penguin does not mean it's not batshieroonie. This is just rantings of a crazy person with access to "save as PDF", but it sucks that it's easily searchable —it was initially found by a Jez reader while looking for an Imogen Heap song. YES IMOGEN HEAP — and lots of people are like, "Check out this legit book, maybe I'll read it and learn all about not being a retarded bitch!"

Even better, it's available on Amazon (with one 5-star review written by author Carlos J Lee's mom an anonymous reviewer) for $19.95.

OMG, you guys, check out the author bio:

WHO AM I? Ok ladies let's just cut to the chase, how can I help you and what makes me so qualified to give you advice about men? Because I've been a dog that's why. I have humped more legs and sniffed more butt's and buried my bone in more places than I can count. I admit I've been a naughty bow wow and I need to be spanked like a bad puppy but there's more. What also makes me qualified is because I'm a man and every negative thing you can think about a man and his behavior I've been him, and I've done it all to women and then some. I have used and manipulated so many women for personal gain and my own sexual physical pleasure that it would make your head spin. The crazy part is out of over the 200+ women that I have had sex with I can only recall maybe ten or fifteen of their names. Seriously, that's how bad I was. Now on the positive side I'm also more enlightened, sensitive and logical than the average man and because of that, now I'm going to pay back all of the women that I have hurt, used and crushed over the years by giving all of you beautiful women out there the real reasons why men are dogs, liars, cheaters, and assholes? I'm here to answer all of your questions about your man and men in general. I'm here to tell you all of the secrets about men so you don't have to waste another day with a dog, liar, cheater or an asshole or someone who's not your real soul mate. I will spill the beans and let you know if your man is a keeper or if you're just wasting your time. I will tell you if he's interested in you or not, and if he wants to be in a loving, fulfilling, committed relationship with you or not. I can tell you how men think and why they do the things they do to women and I'm never wrong. For over 18 years I've counseled and helped (meaning I've had friendly conversations with) hundreds of women from friends, assosiates, co-workers, strangers, black, white, young, old, married, engaged, single, m —This text refers to the Paperback edition.


I can't! I'm both laughing and crying.

And OH MY GOD LOOK AT AUTHOR CARLOS J LEE'S OTHER BOOK: Baby Car Car: A Disturbing Story of Demonic Torment and Possession. Nonfiction, naturally.


I know what you're all thinking — don't worry, I've already emailed Lee for an interview.

*I love that a book with bitch and retarded in the title feels the need to censor asshole. Amazing.

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I'm still trying to distinguish the difference between "He loves you" and "He's in love with you." Is it one of those "I love you, I just don't love-love you" things?