Why I Let Paul Janka Molest Me

Oh good grief, okay. Maybe this is a defense mechanism, but I found the notion that a dude like Paul Janka would spend so much time relentlessly pawing a woman who gave him zero positive vibes while just as relentlessly slapping him off to be really fucking amusing, and I'm not going to lie to you, I laughed a little. I try to keep a straight face during interviews, but there were times he would, like, sort of attack me, like we were playing hide-and-go-seek, and when I demonstrated the move last night on Anna, she HOWLED with laughter. Okay, so maybe the laughing could be construed as LEADING HIM ON, which may be why I found myself having to say to him, "Listen, you have to understand, I'm laughing because this whole thing is absurd to me, okay?" And besides, if you can't laugh about being date raped, what can you laugh about? (Haha JOKE for all you armblog psychiatrists out there!) So, now to the LARGER "why" — why go at all? Why give the guy any more attention? Just cause I'm a whore for the page views?

For once no! In fact, when I first saw the Today show clip, I had zero interest and zero outrage. I saw him as the latest in a string of douchebags held up by the media to be stoned and eviscerated for the sins of all dudes. I wasn't interested. "I wouldn't even do him," I told Anna. She thought I was, like, letting him off the hook. "Even if you fall for a guy like that," I said, "he can't really hurt you. That's not real hurt. This is real hurt. The only thing some douche like Paul Janka can hurt is your pride. And all I can say for your pride, my friend, is that pride is like cholesterol; it comes good and it comes bad, and most of it is bad, and if it comes from the affirmation of dudes like Janka it's fucking trans-fats. You have to give up your pride to have a truly meaningful relationship. And even then, you're still going to break up. And that, my friend, is genuine hurt."

Except I didn't say it quite like that; I think I said something more dismissive and mean and she thought I was being too harsh on women and I agreed to stop being harsh on women because, my god, they are so much better than men, and there is probably no better testament to this than motherfucking How To Get Laid In New York, Paul Janka's little manual — he's the Thomas Paine of date rape! — on how to screw as many chicks as possible.

Then I got concerned. I felt bad for Janka, because honestly, he's clearly overcompensating for something — and worse for girls who might let a head case work out his issues on their, um, assholes. But because we're all prisoners of that human condition thing, and I didn't quite think he was a sociopath, I wanted to figure out what was going on with him. Why he needed to screw so many girls, what he wanted out of life, where everything had gone wrong, what I could learn about evolution from the whole thing, etc. So I asked him to get drinks.


Anyway then I went to his house and scratched that whole plan because some shit is too funny and bizarre to ruin with some sort of search for Deeper Meaning.

Also, pageviews!

Share This Story

Get our newsletter