"Why Don't You Shut Up?" Is The New "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People"

Image for article titled "Why Don't You Shut Up?" Is The New "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People"

For all our glib generalizing, the world is a complex place. People don't necessarily vote for the candidate they'd like to grab a Bud with anymore, and just because Latin countries are sick of our brand of multinational corporate capitalism doesn't mean they're not also sick of listening to Hugo Chavez blather on. And just because the our profligate military spending has driven our most loyal rappers and oil sheiks away from the dollar, it doesn't mean our country has totally lost its capacity for the audacity of hope: Obama is leading in Iowa! All these issues and Korean bribery, in today's Crappy Hour.


MOE: Okay! OPEC nations are going with Jay-Z on the whole dollar thing and re-thinking their currencies' peg to it. Does this mean the time is fast approaching that gas in America will be as expensive as "petrol" in Europe? Because that could be interesting.
MEGAN: Not as interesting as trying to bribe the the presidential monitor against corruption! But, yes, expensive gas might eventually turn people to smaller cars, maybe. Although I feel like petroleum demand in this country is pretty inelastic.
MOE: You say that because you live in a sane inner suburb and have a car. But if it were inelastic, I'd have to think the guys manufacturing all those massive gas-guzzling testaments to the dangers of messing with Texas might be in better shape. But as for Samsung, whoa. I mean, you know, in Korea, if you fuck up a company, you have to go on TV and renounce yourself and cry and shit and it's really humiliating. They went through all this before during the Economic crisis. Like, what were they thinking?
MEGAN: That being corrupt is sometimes easier than doing things legally? Also, what kind of corrupt multinational tries to buy off a government anti-corruption official for $5K? At least in the OECD?
MOE: A really, really fucking dumb one. Oh wait OBAMA IS LEADING IN IOWA!!! And Michelle will guest host 'The View'. Can we talk about this for a second? Like, what the fuck does that mean?
Last night I wikipediaed the Iowa Caucus and was like, really confused.
Oh yeah, you remember because we were IM-ing.

MEGAN: The end of politics, and the start of politainment?
No, totally. This whole process is sort of bullshit. It's just states jockeying for position in an acceptance that voters are lemmings and will vote for the guy most likely to win rather than who they want by the end
We should just have a primary day and be done with it. May the best/most-well funded politician win (which is what happens anyway).
MOE: Oh, but that would cost so little *money*....
Think of the Iowa economy! Think of the hospitality industry! Think of the RATINGS
MEGAN: Man, is anybody still watching that isn't getting paid to watch?
MOE: There's a strike on! I'm watching 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' and I'm not being paid to. Tracie is. Also, if not for all the programming people like Charolette Thompson of Federal Way, Washington would not have such specific view points on the candidates' personalities. She's supporting Obama, but she'd choose Mitt Romney as a bowling partner. Or Jasmine Zoschak of Milford, Pa., who supports Huckabee but would rather go out to dinner with Obama.
Although, I guess that's not so surprising.
Anyway, back to the politics that are truly fun: the politics of countries with monarchs and megalomaniacs: The SUMMIT OF LATINS. "Why Don't You Shut Up" is the rage of the Spanish speaking countries right now. It also highlights an important point, which is, that the Latin nations had a summit. Did you know about this?
MEGAN: No? But, Spain is a Latin nation? Was Portugal?
Also, Spain has a King still?
MOE: Yeah, right?
And do Brazil and Portugal meet together and have a summit too?
MEGAN: And, see, here I was all going to talk about how the French have to grow new skin to keep testing cosmetics since the EU banned animal testing
MOE: With Macau and East Timor? Though they're not officially recognized...
MEGAN: That would be odd. Do they speak Portuguese in East Timor? I should know that, but it's still early and Georgetown eliminated the map test requirement
MOE: Yes, they do, but I only know that because there was some crazy military slaughter down there when I as in Hong Kong. Crazy shit happening all over the world doesn't even HIT you sometimes. Which is why it took us so long to post that amazing Youtube video of the Spanish king and Chavez. Now, I'm thinking he was just sick of Chavez talking, because Spain was like, the only country in Europe not run by Tony Blair to support the Iraq war, right? They've GOT to hate us.
MEGAN: Not that I speak Spanish at all, but I got the impression that Crazy Eyes couldn't shut his mouth and not be the center of attention. I mean, they shut off his mike like it was the Oscars or something.
MOE: I guess that's a pretty successful summit. If Spain and Mexico and Paraguay can agree on anything, it's that they're all sick of that windbag. Apparently the clip is popular in Venezuela too, because Chavez has not yet succeeded in instituting mind control. They're even making T-shirts!
MEGAN: And who doesn't love a good T-shirt?



If Obama doesn't win or place second in Iowa, he might as well get out of the race. There's a lot of spillover or cross-pollination from the Illinois media market and though I'd expect him to use volunteers, but just as Romney is probably going to carry the state with a flood of get-out-the vote workers, my money has been on Obama being able to do the same.