Why Do Women Who Test-Drive Big Breasts Decide to Go Even Bigger?

Plastic surgeons in Britain have stumbled upon an amazing sales tool — a bra that allows women considering breast augmentation to take their theoretical new rack out for a test drive before they go under the knife. It’s like dating your own boobs! But instead of nudging women away from the giant rack they think they want, the bra is convincing women that they want to go a full cup size bigger. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Having really big boobs is not all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask anyone with really big boobs.

So the trendpiece on The Bra that Makes You Crave Bosoms is in the Daily Mail (RHYMES WITH FAIL & STALE LOL) so it should be taken with a grain or ten of salt. But, you know, they talked to a doctor who does these kinds of surgeries, and he was so keyed up by his observation that women who go bra go big is presenting his findings RE: tiggle bitties and the desire to have them to a meeting of the British Association for Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons this week. According to Dr. Mark Henley, women who were given the bra to wear around during their daily activities went, on average, 30% bigger than they’d planned. That’s a full cup size.

Just to add some helpfulness to the article, the Mail helpfully included a stock photo of a bra-wearing woman in a sunlit room, basking in the bright future that comes with never being able to fit into a sundress without looking weird.

I’m not going to give you all The Detailed Story of my Boobs, because there can be only one Judy Blume. But suffice to say — almost everything is more difficult or annoying when you have disproportionately large breasts. Running, walking, bra buying, sleeping, clothes shopping, squeezing sideways through small spaces or using limbo techniques to rob museums with complicated laser security systems. When you have large breasts, you’re constantly aware of them, just hanging out on your pectorals, waiting for a baby to feed, slowly, slowly, slowly dripping unstoppably downward, victims of gravity. The happiest times in my adult life have occurred when I wasn’t laden with too-big breasts. The only thing they ever helped me do is get honked at by guys in pickup trucks with sexy lady silhouette mudflaps. And I’m not the only one. Where two or three women are gathered and they wear different bra sizes, it’s only a matter of wine before they start talking about their boobs. “Mine are huge and I hate them!” “I wish mine were bigger like yours!” “No shut up yours are perfect!” etc.

Choosing your choice is great and all that, but wearing a bra that makes you feel like you have large breasts is not the same thing as having that bra permanently welded to your body. Boobs are not a joke! Women, consider future button down shopping before you get two cantaloupes welded to your torso.