God Won't Let You Into Heaven With Saggy Pants, Says Alabama Councilman

Illustration for article titled God Won't Let You Into Heaven With Saggy Pants, Says Alabama Councilman

God doesn’t like your baggy pants, according to a City Council member in an Alabama town, so he’s trying to ban the style—in the name of Jesus.


A man named Frank Goodman spoke to God personally, and in their conversation, God wasn’t worried about world hunger, wealth disparity, the new chill Pope or whether Donald Trump is ruining American politics, according to the Alex City Outlook. No, God’s top priority is butts that hang out of jeans.

“I prayed about this,” Dadeville City Council member Frank Goodman said at last week’s council meeting, according to the Alexander City Outlook. “I know that God would not go around with pants down. He would show me this saggy pant — it’s one of the things He did not do. It is not in His orders to do that to gain eternal life.”

Man, I can’t get into heaven because of my pants? That really messes with the whole come-as-you-are part of Christianity. But Goodman wasn’t finished.

“I think slacking is disrespectful,” he said, according to the Outlook. “I think it gives our younger generation the wrong impression of what is cool.”

As banning baggy pants is elderly America’s never-ending quest to save the youth, there’s a strong hint of respectability politics here. Goodman should know that Pitbull-esque pants won’t save us! To take it up a notch, one of Goodman’s counterparts wants the respectability ban to target the too big and the too small. Everybody (who is not in their version of God’s image) is in trouble.

“My concern is it should be for everybody,” council member Stephanie Kelley said at the meeting, according to the Outlook. “I think for the girls, with these shorts up so high looking like under garments and dresses so short, I don’t want us to be showing favoritism.”


This proposal, disguised as a mandate from God’s personal shopper, will be drafted soon. But really, what kind of pants do we think God would wear? I mean, if we’re talking God like in Dogma, then none at all.

Contact the author at Hillary@jezebel.com.

Image via Youtube.



Why do sagging pants bother people so much? What’s the big deal? The look they’re complaining about doesn’t even show your ass, it shows boxers once sagged, so what’s the terrible objection to it?

Taste? That’s fine to not like it, but just because you don’t like how something looks aesthetically, doesn’t give you the right to prohibit others from being able to enjoy it. Especially if it causes no actual distress to anyone.