Where Are You Wearing These Assless, Crotchless Flares?

There’s an old adage that says the only certainties in life are death and taxes. But this quote is woefully outdated. The true certainties in life are death, taxes, and Fashion Nova selling some wild shit. Today’s example: These assless, crotchless flare pants.

These “Havana Nights” pants have haunted me ever since I saw a tweet about them the other day. This 95 percent polyester, 5 percent spandex not-quite-chaps-but-chaps-adjacent nightmare can be yours for $22.99, but where would you wear it?

Here are some versatile ideas that the Jezebel staff and I have come up with:

Summer weddings
The gym
Parent-teacher conference
Gynecologist
A bris
Megan Thee Stallion concert.