When Obama's Away, Ogling Women Will Play

Illustration for article titled When Obamas Away, Ogling Women Will Play

There's nothing like ending a night or starting a day with the taste of some wine on your tongue and pictures of attractive men in your face! It's the Objectification Olympics, as David "T-Rex" Ferguson and I check out Michael Phelps' package and Barack Obama's abs (even better than last year!) and finally get down to the business of Crap, such as Jerome Corsi's crap book, Obama's incredibly long response, John McCain's miserable sense of humor, what one domestic violence counselor says about women who "sprain their wrists" too often, John "Mustache Man" Bolton, Russia, Georgia, neocons, the Fairness Doctrine... Oh, hell, let's all just look at Obama splashing in the ocean some more; the other stuff just makes me crabby.MEGAN: Are you ready for another morning of crap? DAVID: Whoo-hoo! MEGAN: I text messaged with Moe last night when we were both drunk and now I'm a little hungover, so I'm feeling very nostalgic. DAVID: Aw, I'm not nearly as pretty as she is. MEGAN: Neither am I, but it's okay because I made an entire bar of straight men stare at Michael Phelps' cock and thus made every single guy uncomfortably consider his sexuality for a brief moment. I should strive for volume control when I'm drinking, but it was late, the bar was empty and the Olympics were on, so when I went "Oh my God, look at how big his penis is!" everyone in the bar looked at the TV. The bartender might still be laughing. It's a good thing I'm a regular. DAVID: I would have led the assembled bar patrons in the national anthem if I'd been there. So, does Phelps dress to the left or to the right? MEGAN: Apparently, according to the embarrassed friend I was with, there's a penis-and-nut restraining strap in competitive swimwear, so it was sort of sticking straight up. DAVID: Well, then I hope you and everyone there at least saluted or put your hands over your hearts. MEGAN: I mostly dissolved into drunken giggling because I was drunk and I made a bar of dudes stare at another dude's penis. DAVID: And you weren't even drinking on P Street were you? MEGAN: Nope! But all of this was a roundabout way of saying to you "Hey! Look at these shirtless Obama pictures!. I'll wait for a minute while you do. DAVID: While I do, have you downloaded your own .pdf of "Unfit for Publication" yet? All the cool kids are doing it. MEGAN: No, I meant to but then I heard it is 40 pages long. And since I wasn't planning on reading the Corsi book unless someone paid me to do so for the purpose of ripping it to shreds, I don't need to read 40 pages about why it sucks and is inaccurate. I already assume that it sucks and is inaccurate. I watched Hillary: The Movie (because someone paid me) and that sucks and was inaccurate. DAVID: Aw, look at Barry in the ocean. You know, I've really been trying to avoid the Candidate-as-Pin-Up phenomenon, but sometimes it's, um, hard. MEGAN: I like penis jokes! DAVID: Who doesn't? MEGAN: John McCain probably doesn't. He just likes to call his wife a cunt for plastering on her make-up like a trollop. DAVID: Has anyone seen video of the overenthusiastic handshake that did Cindy's wrist in? A friend of mine who has worked at the local battered women's shelter says that she's heard that kind of excuse for wrist injuries a million times. She thinks McCain was roughing her up. And given his temper and issues with women, I believe it would be irresponsible not to speculate. MEGAN: Whoa. I never even thought about that. I just thought Cindy was so thin that with her little bird-like wrists it was too easy to sprain but you're right, just pumping a hand up and down, it would be hard to sprain a wrist and even the most enthusiastic hand-shakers usually temper it for a woman. DAVID: Also in the Telegraph, John Bolton on what we should do about Russia and Georgia. I haven't read the piece yet, but what do you bet his answer involves sending a bunch of other people's kids over there to fight? MEGAN: No, I don't think there's any oil in Georgia and, like North Korea, the Russians have nukes. I would assume that this would be one of the rare occasions where the neocons talk about the importance of diplomacy and try not to look like the actual foreign policy cowards they are since they only like invading places they're sure they can topple in under a week and where the press isn't going to be able to get good footage of the casualties. DAVID: How much longer before we can stop calling the neocons "neo-" anything? They've been around for a few years now. MEGAN: Well, I don't think it's how long they've been around, I think it's to distinguish them from the brand of conservative that isn't quite as reprehensible when it comes to foreign policy. Since we're talking politics, can we please discuss the utter non-brilliance of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine, which far too many Americans think would be a good idea? Because that shit burns me. DAVID: Oh, you know, this is your chance to educate me on why bringing back the Fairness Doctrine is a bad idea. I can see both sides of the issue and as with any issue where I haven't formed a solid opinion, I think I must not know enough about it yet. MEGAN: The A Number One Reason it is a bad idea is that it relies on a government agency to decide fairness. And who runs government agencies? Politicians. And what changes periodically? Which party is in power. The Fairness doctrine is a stupid, outdated bullshit concept that government can mandate political speech appropriately. See also: Ken Tomlinson. Want another one of those dudes around telling you what you ought to be hearing? DAVID: I dunno, at this point I'm willing to cling to anything that means less air-time for Limbaugh. I see your point, though, and I do find it a bit sinister that 30% of the people polled by Rasmussen favor enforced "fairness" in blogging, which is more than I think I could manage. How do they propose to enforce that? MEGAN: Also, just so's you know, you know who also loves the concept of the fairness doctrine? Right-wing conservatives. DAVID: But you know, Megan, there's something I want to discuss with you. Remember last year when you guys had a "Jezegay", Ryan? I was, like, so jealous. Can I call myself a Jezegay now? MEGAN: I don't think you can dub yourself a Jezegay, you must be dubbed as such and that, my friend, is up to the commenters. DAVID: Tell them that if they'll make me a Jezegay I'll be handing out foot-rubs and free beer all weekend.


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Can we get a visual on this penis and nut restraining strap apparatus? It sounds hilarious and much more fun than a jock strap. Also, I think that particular picture isn't from a race, so maybe he didn't strap his junk down. Man has a size 14 shoe and GIANT hands, there's got to be something fun down there!

David - You can definitely be a jezegay, even THE Jezegay, at least in my book!