Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

When Does A Baby Get Too Old For You To Snort Cocaine In Front Of It?

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Where I come from a lot of folks bring their babies to their local bars, so it wasn't totally shocking to read in yesterday's Page Six Magazine that in New York, coke and infants still go together like they did in the days of Three Men And A Baby. The magazine tells the story of myriad New Yorkers, mostly "advertising" and "marketing" types in the business of making inanimate consumer products appear glamorous and aspirational for a living, who don't let little babies get in the way of their coke habits.

Gregory, a 31-year-old advertising creative who lives in the East Village with his writer wife and 2-year-old daughter. "It's too easy here. Everyone has something, or can get it, all the time." Then he sighs, feeling driven to explain. "This is a terrible, terrible story," he adds, leaning in as though to confess a secret. "Seriously, my friend's wife would divorce him if she ever found out." He tells it anyway.

Actually it's a pretty good story!

So anyway, "Gregory" and another guy at his firm were hanging out with their wives and babies at his house when the other guy opens his pocket to reveal a bag of coke. Greg wants some. So they devise a plan to sneak out and do it by going to get takeout at the local Thai restaurant, with a little detour to the Thai restaurant bathroom.

[The boys] were "minutes from a clean getaway," says Gregory, "when our wives started insisting, 'Take the babies! They could use the fresh air!' I put my kid in the stroller, my friend put his son in the baby sling, and we left." When they got to the restaurant, his friend realized it was a pain to undo the contraption or take turns, so they took the babies into the restroom with them. "After I did a line, I fed him one off my fist while he still had his kid in the sling. There was, like, coke dust in the air over this baby's head. Then we picked up the food and took the kids back home."


One of the lingering problems with P6 Mag is that they don't stick around long enough to address the questions prompted with such scenarios: namely, what is the appropriate age at which one should stop blowing lines in front of a small human? Pre or post potty training? And is this story creepily heartwarming or profoundly depressing? Is it better to have the wife who would divorce you if she found out you did coke in the presence of the baby, or the wife who is totally cool with that, just pissed you didn't save any for her. And speaking of, what about the wives? Couldn't they use a little surge of alertness/hyperconfidence themselves?
Also, on a side note, I'm thinking Kate Moss didn't breastfeed. Sayin.