What's Your Worst Roommate Horror Story?

We know most of you have a story of communal living gone hilariously or horrendously awry. Now we want to hear them all — can you top the tale of Herman the Lover?

Some of you shared your roommate woes on our roommate drama post a while back — and perhaps others have seen fit to submit a passive aggressive note or two. My favorite entry in the latter genre is actually from Aleksandar Hemon’s short story collection Love and Obstacles:

Your socks are all over
How many fucking feet do you have?
You are not alone here, buddy
Not alone

Intern Katie turned a friend’s horrible roommate story into a meditation on bullying, and Dodai’s living situation turned into a veritable soap opera:

My final year in college I lived with a guy and a girl. The guy and I fell in love; he broke up with his GF; we started dating, and the female roommate felt sorry for the girl or some shit and started inviting her over and hanging out with her. It was a nightmare, since two of the 3 people who lived in the apt never wanted to see that girl. And had to either stay away from home or confront the awkward situation. So: don’t do that.

But so far, my favorite bad-roommate story is that of Herman, as told by MorningGloria:

I used to have this roommate who was essentially Chicago’s Russian answer to Jersey Shore. She was a club promoter and had this Russian boyfriend named Herman who drove a Mercedes and still lived with his parents. Herman stayed over at least five nights a week and never wore a shirt and was covered with hair and was always sweaty and lounging around, stinky and hairy, on my furniture. Herman and my roommate would spend much of their days loudly fucking, and at least one of every three times I’d come home to her yelling “oh Herman! Herman!” and then a bunch of stuff in Russian. I finally had enough and one day sat her down and told her that according to the lease, we were supposed to be the only occupants and that if Herman wanted to stay more than 3 nights per week, he would have to start paying me rent. She moved out a few weeks later and before she left she asked if she could buy my cat from me. She also stole like half of my pots and pans.

Got a story to rival Herman? Leave it in the comments, and we’ll publish the best ones!