What's Up With Men And Their Movies?

Illustration for article titled What's Up With Men And Their Movies?

Why are the men in funny movies played by such fat hopeless schlubs these days? This week's New Yorker ponders this enduring mystery only about six weeks late. It reminds us how we once dated a guy who likened our pairing to what he termed a "rom com" — a less Boomer-gay way of saying 'romantic comedy' — in which we would be played by Rosario Dawson and he would be played by John Goodman. "It wouldn't even have to be funny," he explained, while cackling hysterically. "Just having the two of them in bed — THINK OF THE PHYSICAL HUMOR." Uh, heh? Here's the thing: men watching romantic comedies need to have all their schlubby slackery traits reflected back at them so as to reinforce the fact that they are only here watching this romantic comedy is because they have won some sort of relationship lottery to be sitting next to the woman who has dragged them to this romantic comedy. As Gloria Steinem knows, most men would rather be watching man movies. In fact, John Goodman guy (Away message: "washing the blood out") had a personal cinematic "Man Trilogy" he once made us endure involving a reeeeally boring John Wayne film called The Quiet Man. And after our long-term ex "Ladybird" broke up with us he said we needed to see The Hustler to "understand" him. Memo to boys: maybe the trick is not MINDING that you can't always be closing!


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The last time I dated a fellow film person he had a thing about John Ford's THE SEARCHERS that was downright fanatical. He even had rules for viewing it - it MUST be watched in a decent movie theater and in its proper aspect ratio. During the movie, there will be no talking, no unintentional laughing, and don't even think about a taking a bathroom break. Need I tell you that he was an emotionally constipated WASC (Catholic) with big problems with rage, drinking, and the womens?

My current beau won't watch anything animated or subtitled or silent or musicals. He likes movies starring John Wayne and cowboys and soldiers and horses and shooting, And if given the choice of all the good channels on TV, he always picks a channel that heavilly edits movies shown for content and time, doesn't show letterboxed movies, and adds an hour to the running time by adding commercials.