Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Graphic: Jezebel

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like Matt Lauer’s nefarious new relationship with an “ultra-luxury” publicist, or Us Weekly’s insistence on starting the new year with a feature concerning famous women’s weight. Eventually, I’ll be able to pay for my groceries in peace, without American Media plastering “DIETS THAT WORK!” over pictures of Julianne Hough, but today is not that day. Instead, let’s bow our heads together and hope that cashier rings my rotisserie chicken up as swiftly as possible.

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Hot Gossip:

Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Us Weekly, Life & Style

Remember when Whoopi told Meghan McCain to shut the fuck up? Ok! reports that the aftermath of their on-air tussles sent a shockwave through the cast of ABC’s The View, which found itself mired in scrutiny this last season for a plethora of televised ridiculousness, much of it documented by Jezebel hero Lisa Fischer. (She might never recover from the experience, though.) Sources tell the tabloid that the root of Whoopi’s supposed problem with Meghan has nothing to do with her frequent Islamophobia, abhorrent conservative values, virulent narcissism, or commitment to endlessly wailing atop her dead father’s corpse. Instead, a tipster claims: “[Whoopi] thinks Meghan rode on her father’s coattails and got lucky landing this seat on the show. Thats why Whoopi gets so mad when Meghan stars spreading her conservative views. She thinks Meghan doesn’t have a clue what the real world is like.”

I seriously doubt that ABC would ever willingly oust the beer heiress from The View, considering the high ratings (and press attention) she pulls to the show. Still, nefarious gossips inside the production staff supposedly believe that “viewers respond to [Whoopi] more than they do Meghan. So if one of them has to go, it’ll probably be Meghan.” Clasp your hands and pray, people!

Meanwhile, Ok! is very concerned for Cameron Diaz, and I am very concerned for Ok! That lady is doing fine—she’s rich, her movies still get played on television with some regularity, and she gets to tell people she once starred in the ever-iconic Charlie’s Angels. What is there to worry about? Sources claim that her “whirlwind” romance Benji Madden is to blame for her five-year absence from Hollywood. In 2015, there was plenty of gossip about their “rocky marriage,” hinged mostly on his alleged predilection for partying with brother Joel Madden. Things are fine now—“allegedly”—but tipsters claim it was only possible if she put her career on hold to “focus on their future together.” Alternatively, she might simply be exhausted from all that Good Charlotte she has to listen to. I’d need a break also!

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Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?

I’d also like to focus for a moment on North West’s new Birkin bag, which she was photographed with in Los Angeles over the Christmas break. It was probably Kim’s, and North was only holding it, but the photos got me thinking: What would you put in your Birkin bag as a six-year-old? I would have definitely stuck in a Game Boy, some colored pencils, and a bunch of those gum packs with the rainbow zebra on them. Maybe even a Smucker’s Uncrustables, or a fruit roll-up! (Do you think she also took it on their private plane, though?) And while it’s certainly fun to imagine the contents of North’s Birkin, I implore the weirdos obsessing over her on the internet to leave that kid alone and focus your attention on the adults in the equation. She’s got nothing to do with anyone’s problems with Kim or Kanye, and again—she’s fucking six years old.

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Us Weekly also has the exclusive on a whole lot of b-list celebrities’ New Year’s Resolutions! Because they are mildly famous, and occasionally on television, it’s important to know how they’ll be integrating keto diets and Peloton bikes into their 2020 moodboards.

  • Adam Devine: “Mine is always the same. To have a jawline like Brad Pitt.”
  • Hannah Brown: “The greatest things in my life have been unplanned. [I] have a good feeling about 2020.” (This isn’t really a resolution, Hannah.)
  • Megan Fox: “I hope to genuinely appreciate and love me for who I am, and not worry about being who I’m supposed to be for other people.”
  • Ellie Kemper: “I don’t want to eat so much sugar before bed. I’m old now, and my body can’t process it in the same way. I wake up in sweats!”
  • Carson Kressley: “I’ve been taking tennis lessons, and I’m going to continue doing it. I used to be terrible, and now I’m just really mediocre, so it’s working!”
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Good for these people, who will definitely stick to these resolutions and definitely respond to the same Us Weekly! email blast next year!

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Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Life & Style reports that little sister Jamie Lynn is begging Britney Spears to stay off Instagram in 2020. As I previously reported, her Instagram has become a hot spot for trolls and inquiring minds after a series of “bizarre” posts made her the focal point of the #FreeBritney “movement.” Coincidentally, the progenitors of the claims against Britney are now being sued by her conservatorship for defamation.

Sources tell the tabloid that the root of Jamie Lynn’s concern for Britney stems from the incredibly sheltered lifestyle the pop star inhabits. “Britney truly lives in a bubble. She doesn’t have people giving her feedback on how she looks, so when she reads these comments, in like a slap in the face.” Jamie Lynn’s solution? A social media “detox.” (Except for videos involving yoga, it seems.) And while the world waits to see if Jamie Lynn’s pleadings will bear fruit, I’m infinitely more nervous about the upcoming battle over her future, seeing as father Jamie is expected to return to his duties after “temporarily” stepping down from his role as her long-time conservator. Us Weekly reported, just before the new year, that her custody arrangement and conservatorship will be top priority for Spears’s legal team in the coming months.

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Oh, and let me not forget this week’s blind item.

This married couple are publicly always at each other’s throats, but don’t hold your breath for a divorce announcement. They secretly get along just fine and are only trying to strike a deal for a talk show or reality series focused on their “dysfunctional” relationship.

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This could literally be any couple in Hollywood, and I mean that as rudely as possible.


Horny Time:

Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Us Weekly, Life & Style, Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel
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On Horny Island, where Hollywood couples rumble and tumble around in the sand, Star reports that everyone on NBC’s ever-present nightmare This Is Us is on #TeamChrishell. Justin Hartley announced his split with real estate agent Chrishell Stause in November, and several sources claimed at the time that he was splitting with her in an attempt to block her access to an upcoming payday. That probably didn’t go down so well with his castmates, considering several on-set tipsters allege “they always say Chrishell as part of the family.” Specifically, Mandy Moore and Chrissy Metz supposedly feel sympathy for her, especially after Moore opened up about her split from anthropomorphic shit stain Ryan Adams. According to sources: “It’s pretty obvious to [the cast] that he’s giving Chrishell a raw deal.”

In worse news, notable bad man Matt Lauer resurfaced in New Zealand with a woman who looks a little too similar to ex-wife Annette Roque. Her name? Shamin Abas. I couldn’t find much on her in my cursory glance through her internet footprint, but her Instagram and website both tout her marketing and “business development” services for “ultra-luxury brands.” Ultra-luxury, if you’re wondering; luxury, but ultra. Anyway, In Touch reports that in 2005, a Palm Beach Post gossip column reported the pair had a “friendly tete-a-tete dinner at West Palm restaurant Tsunami.” The Palm Beach Post has also reported that Abas had once planned a charity event at Mar-a-Lago for Russell Simmons that same year, which is something my brain hasn’t fully processed yet. Sources claim they’re an “item” now, never mind the rape allegations circling Lauer and his alleged return to the public eye. Sources “close to the couple” told In Touch that Abas “knows who he is. She’s thrilled she’s with him. She doesn’t seem to have a care in the world.” Clearly!

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Here’s something else I missed over the grueling Christmas break: Hilary Duff and professional boyfriend Matthew Koma were finally married! Ok! would like readers to know that the “guest list was small and included only their nearest and dearest. Their vows were exchanged inside their home at sunset, while the reception took place under a white tent in the yard of their Beverly Hills home. What else: Duff wore a Jenny Packham dress with her husband and children’s initials “sown into the hemline.” She “loved it!” Unfortunately, she later changed into a “shimmery two piece gold jumpsuit,” but it was her wedding, not mine! Everyone is entitled to their own choices.

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Also, here is a list of “normal things” still-married people Adam Driver and Joanne Tucker do together: shop for groceries, order takeout, binge-watch their favorite shows, and spend a “large chunk of their days” doting on their son. Good for them! I’m unsure why Ok! insisted on reporting this domestic bliss, but whatever, now I have this information, and every time I am forced to endure his presence on a red carpet, I can think to myself: “Huh! That’s the guy who buys groceries with his wife.” I’d also like to briefly draw attention to story in Us Weekly about Jessica Biel’s insistence that Justin “grabby-hands” Timberlake “lay off the booze.” The tabloid claims that since his drunken night out with co-star Alisha Wainwright—to whom he has still not apologized—Biel demands he be on his “best behavior” for her, their children, and his Hollywood reputation. According to the source: “Jessica gets bothered when Justin’s on his phone for too long, and she still has her suspicions.” I’m sure!


What the Fuck Did She Wear?

Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, In Touch, Ok!, Star, Us Weekly, Life & Style
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I would kindly like to inform the In Touch fashion team that neither Olivia Munn or Petra Nemcova wore a metallic Laura Basci wrap dress “better.” Also, Kristen Stewart absolutely wore her Chanel jacket much better than Marisa Tomei. Everyone wants to fight with me this week! The magazine is also correct in labeling snakeskin a “trend,” but it was rude to attach Halsey and Eva Longoria’s ensembles to the Fashion Nova python bonanza. And because I’m not trying to have Olivia Munn crawl around in my mentions, I’ll simply include the photo of the snakeskin shorts she stepped out in and leave it at that.

Also, having endured this particular fashion fixture for almost three years, I’d like the collective designers of Paris and Milan to step away from the balloon sleeve v-neck wrap dresses. I appreciate the print choices Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Alison Brie’s stylists went for, but I’m drowning in all that sleeve! (I do really like Sarah Paulson’s dominatrix hazmat dress in what looks like red latex, though?) Perhaps the only spread that didn’t make me immediately enraged, however, was the section on “bold suits.” I have nothing else to say here! More bold suits, please.

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Before I move on, I’d like to briefly mention an incredibly rude spread in this week’s In Touch, which purports to show the “body shockers” of 2019. Except, instead of Dr. Pimple Popper highlights or outtakes from Botched (which aren’t much better), the tabloid collected photos of makeup-less celebrities and slapped a few exclamation points over them. Good journalism here, American Media! Glad to know Tabloidland has finally entered 2006.

Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Screenshot: In Touch
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I’d also like to conduct a poll on opinions about a ruffled, flowery top Nicole Kidman was spotted in at the Sydney International Airport. I don’t hate it, but I’m not sure I like it either? Something I did like, however, was La La Anthony’s leather jumpsuit she wore to a charity function. Karamo Brown posed for paparazzi in a statement t-shirt, and Derek Hough posed for Keurig sponson in some ugly Christmas gear. Glad to see that the more things change, the more they stay the same! As for Cynthia Bailey, I would really like the hookup on the jacket she wore while passing through LAX. (Maybe sans the camp underneath, though. You won’t catch me in fatigues!) And even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, let me briefly touch down on Kim Kardashian’s latest look for Ellen. As her journey towards whatever she wants to look like continues, I can’t help but cower at her catastrophically bad styling choices? The fit of the dress is completely wrong, and I don’t understand why it’s three different shades of white, with a ruched waist, a neoprene-looking top, and a silky, flowing skirt. Perhaps if her hair was up, I’d appreciate the draping of this dress, but as it stands, everything I’m looking at confuses me.

Also, I’d like Us Weekly to know that I refuse to indulge in this blatant, navy blue propaganda. The absolute worst color!

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Illustration for article titled Whats Inside North Wests Birkin Bag?
Screenshot: Us Weekly

Shit Talking:

  • Rebel Wilson, on never being drunk in her whole entire life: “I’ve never been drunk in my whole entire life.” [Life & Style]
  • Stephanie Hollman, on FaceTiming with her children on their way to school: “I FaceTimed with my children on their way to school.” [In Touch]
  • Ashley Graham, on crying while eating an almond butter-and-jelly sandwich: “I was eating an almond butter-and-jelly sandwich, and I took one bit, and all of a sudden I started welling up.” [Life & Style]
  • Miley Cyrus, on missing 100% of the shots you don’t take: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” [Us Weekly]
  • Nikki Bella, on boyfriend Artem Chigvintsev’s parents not knowing English: “They don’t know English.” [Life & Style]
  • Niall Horan, on Lizzo telling him he can “smash this”: “She was like, ‘You can smash this!’” [Us Weekly]
  • Pete Davidson, on once having a huge crush on Leonardo DiCaprio: “I used to have a huge crush on Leonardo DiCaprio.” [Life & Style]
  • Ashley Benson, on dreams coming true: “Dreams do come true.” [Us Weekly]
  • Also Stephanie Hollman, on finding a really cute long-sleeved black romper: “I found this really cute long-sleeved black romper.” [In Touch]
  • Scott Eastwood, on being shirtless in the sun: “I love being shirtless in the sun!” [Us Weekly]
  • Jamie Lee Curtis, on aging not being a bad thing: “Aging isn’t a bad thing.” [Ok!]
  • Also Scott Eastwood, on the hardest thing he’s ever done: “The hardest thing I’ve ever done is sitting through a reality-tv show.” [Us Weekly]

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