What Your Receipts Reveal About Your Shameful Secrets

In the immortal words of Freud, “No mortal can keep a secret. If the lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” This is a thought I revisit often; for instance, last week, I ran into a very distant acquaintance at a CVS while purchasing two things: a box of super tampons and a plunger. He knew, and I knew he knew, that I was menstruating at a rate that exceeded my toilet’s capacity. Betrayal was not the only thing oozing out of me.

The Cut reports that women who are cheating on their husbands are more likely to shop at “labels like Banana Republic, J. Crew, and Chico’s.” In addition, telltale signs of infidelity include a rapid switch from donning sweatpants to “maxi dresses, colored skinny jeans, and pencil skirts with slits.” So from now on, whenever you see a woman wearing a wedding ring while buying colored skinny jeans from Chico’s, you will know, and she will know that you know, that she’s having an extramarital affair.

This begs the question: what other shameful secrets do your purchases reveal? If we can extrapolate an affair from the sudden purchase of a sexy pencil skirt, what else can we extrapolate from seemingly innocent shopping trips? To answer this question, I’ve compiled a handy guide of hypothetical receipts and what sinister truths they’re probably hiding:

RECEIPT: 7-11
PURCHASES: 15 cans of cat food; 2 bottles of 7-11 wine; a bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch flavor); one of those hot dogs that’s been stewing in its own sauces for years untold.
WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: This woman is squatting in an abandoned warehouse with a family of raccoons.

RECEIPT: Stop & Shop
PURCHASES: 8 pounds of meat; barbecue tongs; garbage bags.
WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: She’s growing a mutant man-beast, like the thing from American Horror Story, in her backyard. The tongs are to fight it off while she supplies it with nutrients. She is a depraved scientist.

RECEIPT: Forever 21
PURCHASES: Leopard spotted blazer; jaunty lil’ fedora; like 12 bedazzled bracelets
WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: This woman is planning on kidnapping a cast member of an ABC Family original sitcom.

RECEIPT: Target
PURCHASES: Bourbon; laundry bag
WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: This is a woman who is going to vomit on her sheets, probably tonight.

RECEIPT: 99 cent store.
PURCHASES: Decorative scarf; mortar and pestle; broom.
WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU: Baba Yaga.

Feel free to contribute some “TELLTALE SIGNS THAT A WOMAN IS MISBEHAVING VIA HER PURCHASES” of your own. Because, you know, ladies be sneaky, but also, ladies be shopping. Living under patriarchy is so much fun!