What Your Bridesmaids' Dresses Say About You

Illustration for article titled What Your Bridesmaids Dresses Say About You

The first five months of 2011 have plodded by like encumbered snow boots, but we've finally arrived at the promise of warmer weather and, with it, the cusp of Wedding Season.

For those of you who are in the process of planning a wedding or have gone through the merry-go-round from Hell that is throwing a giant party for your mostly-ungrateful friends and loved ones, you know that wedding season is also People Getting All Up In Your Business And Telling You How To Live Your Life season. Nothing encourages strangers to weigh in on your personal choices like getting married or having a baby. Let's celebrate this sacred bond of judging and being judged by assessing our personalities and the personalities of our friends based on their weddings.

When we're done, let's all go to the movies and watch Bridesmaids, because the number of Fast/Furious movies has reached critical mass and unless we reward the commitment of estrogen to celluloid, we're doomed to a million more holiday-themed episodic shitfests like Valentine's Day.


Everyone, don your judgepants.

Little Black Dresses
Your mom thinks it's a really cute idea to have all of the bridesmaids wear little black dresses and carry different colored bouquets, but that's only because your mom still wears boot cut jeans for things other than gardening or painting.

You're boring, but kind of modern. Like an Amazon Kindle.

Long and matching, in the same universally flattering color
You have a 401(K) and probably played "At Last" and "The Way You Look Tonight" at your reception.


You will one day have 2.5 kids and a dog. You will consider naming your son Aiden and your daughter Ava.

Tea Length
What are you going to do with all those Modern Bride magazines now that you don't need them anymore?


Tuxedos for everyone!
You are singlehandedly subverting the gender paradigm. Congratulations! You've done it! You've solved sexism!

You want your friends to hate how they look in the wedding pictures. No one except Gwyneth Paltrow looks good in a strapless gown. Also, you're not friends with anyone with tattoos OR you are friends with people who have amazing tattoos OR you are friends with people with crappy tattoos and didn't really think the whole "strapless bridesmaid gowns" thing through.


Empire waist with contrasting ribbon beneath bodice!
One or more of the members of your wedding party is pregnant.

Fluffy, with accessories like shepherd's crooks or umbrellas
You have lost your sheep and you don't know where to find them. Leave them alone, and they'll come home wagging their tails behind them.


Klingon/RenFaire Costumes/otherwise fantasy themed weddings
You have really long hair. All of your friends have mythology-inspired tattoos. You own an extensive collection of beer steins and have never beaten anyone at arm wrestling.

You fully expect the bridal party to do it with the groom's party, and you want to encourage it.


If everyone has chlamydia, it's kind of like no one does.

I got married in a courthouse and wore a dress that I made from lentils I grew in my backyard and I had the cheapest wedding of all time.
A lot more people than you think find you really irritating.


White, by the same designer as the bride
You are Kate Middleton.

Nothing, because I'll be alone forever
Come over and sit with me; we'll sit over her and snicker at others and later get drunk and cry.


Nothing, I'm never getting married
You must be jealous of everyone who's ever gotten married. All women want to get married; it's science.

It's important to remember, it's your special day, and no matter what you do or how you choose to express yourself, people will judge you for it. You're probably best off just ignoring everyone and doing whatever the fuck you want.


Image via AP

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Is it weird that I am 41 and have never been a bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor? I guess I'm lucky, judging by horror stories. Most weddings I go to, the bridesmaids are sisters or other relatives of the bride and maybe a bestie or two. My best gfs remain single or have been married since before we met, so I think I dodged the bridesmaid bullet.

And besides strapless, Empire-waist makes everyone look pregnant — again, except Gwyneth Paltrow (see: Emma). I have big boobs and something cinching in right below them makes me look seven months gone.

When I got married 12398721934 years ago, I just requested a specific color scheme for the bridesmaids (two), and suggested a knee or tea-length skirt was fine (afternoon ceremony). My bff/bridesmaid actually chose a lovely suit with pants in the color scheme I suggested, and my other gf had a perfectly tasteful skirt and jacket in those colors. I thought they looked perfect.