​What Would Jezebel Do?: A Walking Dead Survival Guide

Illustration for article titled ​What Would Jezebel Do?: A Walking Dead Survival Guide

Everyone's descent into lunacy continues with Season Five of The Walking Dead, which premiered last night. Each character so far has transformed from a decent human being into a semi-moral survivalist or a remorseless assassin, even young Carl. All that's left in the way of faith is little baby Judith. Happy times are here again.


Episode One picks up with Rick and his crew still trapped in the boxcar of impending death, in what we now know is a cannibal camp. Once a sanctuary, Terminus has turned into a human butcher shop, the final destination for an already fucked-up existence on post-Apocalyptic Earth. You go there for salvation; you get eaten. What a metaphor. Thus far, Rick's group has survived tons of impossible odds, lost family and friends and made it further than any human should in a desolate world overrun by zombies.

Survival trumps morality in this world, so they've made some tough decisions along the way. It is here where we ask: What Would Jezebel Do? Would you kill a loved one who's about to turn? A child? An enemy? That do-or-die theme is heavy throughout the premiere, lovingly titled "No Sanctuary." (Disclaimer: I don't even know if I would have made it this far. These people are crazy.)

1. Would we turn to cannibalism in the face of a Zombiepocalypse?

No... for now. There are still other ways to survive in this city without eating humans. Rick's crew has found food sources, so cannibalism doesn't seem like the last resort. We eventually learn why Gareth and his group chose to embrace this Lecter lifestyle and how Terminus became what it is—they, too, were once trapped in a boxcar and victimized. "The signs, they were real. It was a sanctuary. People came and took this place," says Mary. "And they raped and they killed and they left over weeks, but we got out, and we fought, and we got it back. We got the message: You're the butcher, or you're the cattle." Okay, yes, but...

Illustration for article titled ​What Would Jezebel Do?: A Walking Dead Survival Guide

2. Would we kill the cannibals after being trapped?

Yes. Yes, we would. Maneaters seem like nothing in comparison to what Rick has been through. The cannibals have rounded up him, Glenn, Bob and my best friend Daryl into an assembly line with others about to be butchered. The method: hit 'em over the head, slit their throats and let the blood collect into a drain. These guys are dramatic. Right before Rick and co.'s last rites are about to be read, Gareth walks in. We hear an explosion. It's badass Carol to the rescue. As Rick kills his way out, he says: "Cross any of these people, you kill 'em. Don't hesitate."


3. Would we kill crazy Mary in the candle room?

YES WE WOULD KILL HER. Dressed in the season's hottest walker's clothing (a poncho doused in walker's blood to blend in with the heard, which sounds disgusting but something we would definitely do to avoid being eaten), Carol shoots from outside the Terminus fence and creates an explosion that sets the invading walkers on fire. Once inside, she runs into the biblically-named Mary, who we later learn is Gareth's mother, in the candle room that has the paranoid scribblings on the walls. Carol is the queen of this, don't get it twisted. Instead of killing Mary, she lets the walkers get her, which is more humane I guess?

Illustration for article titled ​What Would Jezebel Do?: A Walking Dead Survival Guide

4. Do we kill the cannibal hostage who's about to snap Judith's throat?

HAVE TO. After Tyreese and Carol take a cannibal wanderer hostage in a cabin, Tyreese has some kind of crisis of conscience and seems to not want to kill people anymore. That won't work. The hostage threatens to snap baby Judith's neck. He's gotta go.


5. Do we go back and kill the cannibals after already escaping?

Hell no. After getting out of Terminus, Rick says they have to go back into Terminus and kill the rest of the cannibals because they deserve to die and because he feels really lucky right now with all that adrenaline talking. How 'bout let's not. It's a loose end, though, that might come back to haunt them later in the season.


BONUS: How would we make ourselves less appetizing to avoid being eaten by cannibals?

This was one of the questions that host Chris Hardwick posed in the post-episode special, Talking Dead. Smother ourselves in piss and feces maybe? I dunno. Something tells us the cannibals could care less about hygiene.


By the end of this episode, Rick and the group have taken out yet another camp and they're presumably off to D.C., along with the doctor who says he was part of some Human Genome project and has a plan to "fight fire with fire" and kill all the horrible walkers. We are so ready.

Image via AMC


Violet Baudelaire

Luckily, as a feminist I doubt any cannibals would want to eat me at all, what with being so bitter.