What Were Justin, Taylor, and Ryan Talking About?

Sunday night’s bafflingly star-studded iHeartRadio Music Awards took a cue from The Golden Globes by seating major stars next to each other at large, circular tables and forcing them to engage in conversations with the cameras rolling. Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, and Ryan Seacrest photograph well, but what do they talk about?

With Justin’s mind on Jessica’s pregnancy and Ryan trying to remember whether or not he set Going Clear to record, it’s likely that Taylor made the first move. “Have y’all watched The Jinx?” she asked, despite not having watched The Jinx herself. Justin and Ryan both shook their heads. “I heard it was wild,” she said before sifting through her regularly updated (thanks to Tumblr) smalltalk database. “How’s Jessica?” Yes. Jessica. Make it personal. Personal’s good. Personal’s friendly. You’re friendly.

“Oh! She’s doing well,” Justin said, finally perking up. “Real well. Due soon!”

“I bet you’re excited,” Ryan added. “She’s going to be a great mom.”

“The best,” Taylor lied, knowing full well that Jaime King is the best mom she actually knows. But it’s OK to lie when it’s about motherhood because every baby is a miracle and every mother is a goddess.

After everyone took a sip of water, Taylor went in for the kill. “I. Can. Not. WAIT. For Rihanna tonight.” The table burst. Everyone agreed. Rihanna! What will she wear? What will she sing? #BBHMM? Probably #BBHMM. “I heard R8 is a-mazing,” Taylor announced to the table, cleverly deciding not to even hint that she has, in fact, heard most of it. “I wonder when it’ll drop.”

“I like that she’s taking her time,” said Justin. “Making sure it’s the exact album she wanted. I respect that. It’s not always possible.” Justin and Taylor nodded. Yes. It’s not always possible. Don’t make your eyes look like you’re thinking about The 20/20 Experience. Don’t make your eyes look like you’re thinking about The 20/20 Experience.

More water. And then.

“NIIIIICK!!!!!” they all screamed. Nick will have something interesting to say. He always has something interesting to say.