"What Was The Worst Part?" How To Measure A Sex Scandal

In our hyper-competitive society, it’s natural that everyone should want to be the best. Or the worst! ‘It’s worse than Eliot Spitzer!’ Mark Sanford‘s son allegedly exclaimed of his father’s affair. But that’s nothing compared to Edwards! Or Ted Haggard!

On the View today, Joy Behar was eager to figure out exactly how bad whited sepulchre Ted Haggard’s same-sex cheating was. She has a point: we all deserve to know, so we can quantify and compare others’ pain with maximum accuracy. As far as we can determine, the seriousness of a sin can be determined as followed:

(Respectability) (Hypocrisy) (Public Nature of Family Values ÷ Likability of Wife – Number of Adult Kids + Number of Cute Kids) x Number of Affairs (Number of Mistresses) ÷ Homosexual Activity (Public Opposition to Homosexuality)
√ Cross-Dressing – Physical Attractiveness + Kinks x Mistresses’ Tabloid Confessions (Sex Tapes)^{Illegal Activity} ÷Tearful Public Confession or ^{Wife’s Tell-All}(Extant Out-of-Wedlock Child) = Shame Quotient

‘It’s Worse Than Eliot Spitzer!’ Wife Of Mark Sanford Reveals Son’s Reaction In Book On Sex Scandal [NY Daily News]