What To Expect When You're Expecting... An Asshole's Baby

Illustration for article titled What To Expect When You're Expecting... An Asshole's Baby

There's a lot to worry about when you're getting ready for parenthood. Will the baby be healthy? How will you adjust to being a mom? And what about pain relief? But in addition to these ordinary concerns, an unknown number of women worldwide suffer from a treatable but potentially serious condition, one that can make the birth even more complicated. They're married to assholes. Luckily, the Daily Mail has a helpful guide to having an asshole's baby, written by diagnosed asshole Simon Davis. Disguised as a first-person essay on "What men really think about... being present at the birth," Davis's piece actually provides a number of helpful tips on what to expect if you or someone you love has asshole-daddy syndrome.1. The asshole dad will agree to grace the delivery room with his presence, but not to help out in any way. He thinks of "videoing the whole thing, assisting the Caesarean (yes, it happens), cleaning the baby, birthing plans, keeping the placenta and that ghastly prospect, cutting the umbilical cord," rather oddly, as "the tasting menu," and he wants no part of it. 2. He does not want to talk to your doctor while you are, potentially, not in the mood for talking. Davis tells the cautionary tale of one poor schmo, "a meek sort" who "had been told by his wife to ensure that the hospital adhered to all her demands." The asshole dad thinks of the plans you have for the birth as unreasonable, harpyish "demands" — don't expect him to help you carry them out. 3. He will forget everything he learns in prenatal classes, if you can even get him to attend them. Because "men do not discuss births with each other," such classes are not manly. 4. His biggest worry about the whole thing is this: "Will I still fancy the mother of my child if I witness the birth?" The real question is, if your baby-daddy behaved as Davis describes, would you still fancy him? What Men Really Think About... Being Present At The Birth [Daily Mail]

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I want hubby in the room, but on the good side of the sheet. I want him able to hold hand and tell me I'm beautiful when I'm grimacing and screaming swear words, but not to see the actual business. I will murder anyone with a camera/ camcorder within 100 yards.