What To Do If You Have A Huge Crush On Someone

Let’s just say you have a crush. A huge crush. A massive crush. You can’t stop thinking about this person. You’re distracted, daydreamy, completely unproductive and totally unfocused. What do you do? How do you channel your energies? Below, you’ll find ten easy steps that may or may not help.

• 1. Stay away from Facebook. Well, mostly. Use Facebook to find out your crush’s birthday, if you don’t already know it. Do not go poking through your crush’s pictures and status updates. Do not look at your crush’s friends and try to figure out which are exes. You’re only gonna drive yourself cuckoo. Keep some distance.

• 2. Once you know the day and year your crush was born, head over to Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone matchmaker and find out if you are astrologically compatible. Are you a “a beautiful link of souls”? Or will you find that your relationship “has a chance to survive, but it will take a Herculean effort from you.” Have you ever dated someone of your crush’s sign before? How did that turn out? So many things to ponder. Should keep you busy for at least an hour before you’re itching to do something about your crush again.

• 3. Check your astrological compatibility at AstroStyle. The twins often have a different take. Compare and contrast your results to the ones you got earlier.

• 4. Email/IM a friend and ask what she thinks.

• 5. If your friend is not convinced you and your crush are soulmates, get annoyed with friend and email or IM a different friend.

• 6. Plug your birthday into Facade’s biorhythm reader. Biorhythms! No, you don’t know what they are, but yes, they are important. Don’t use your real name — you never know what kinds of spies are lurking, or where. Choose a 14-day range, since after 28 days you may not even be into your crush anymore. View your free chart, then plug in your crush’s birthday. Don’t use his or her real name! Stage names are okay.

• 7a. Email or IM a screenshot of your awesome results to your friend. Wait for positive reinforcement (OMG It’s meant to beeee!!!, etc.)

• 7b. Email or IM a screenshot of your terrible results to your friend. Wait for positive reinforcement (WTF OMFG that is bullshit, it’s meant to beeee!, etc.)

• 8. Pull up a picture of your crush. Stare at it. Try to understand why you have a crush on this person. Not so special. Just a human. Just a fairly attractive human. Just a sort of fascinating, definitely hot, completely perfect for you human. No big deal. Look at those totally run-of-the-mill deep [chocolate/aquamarine/emerald] bottomless pools your crush calls eyes. Check out those full, tender, pouty lips designed especially for kissing. And that chin! Continue to stare until you can’t take it any more or until someone catches you.

• 9. Imagine the perfect conversation between you and your crush. Your crush says something terribly clever. You’re quick with a witty rejoinder that is both insightful and hilarious and makes your crush laugh, a deep, full laugh. But then your crush looks at you with a mixture of admiration and intrigue and says, “You’re amazing, you know that? You have made me revaluate everything about my life. My next [song/album/book/movie/blogpost/religious cult] is going to be all about to you.”