On Monday night, during part two of the Season 4 Vanderpump Rules reunion, the heat once again fell on my overly-contoured princess Lala Kent when Andy Cohen revisited Lala’s topless swim that occurred in mixed company during the SUR crew’s vacation to Hawaii.
It’s hardly the first time this type of thing has happened on the show (Stassi made a name for herself via relentless skinny-dipping) and yet the other women were particularly—and puzzlingly—offended by Lala’s seemingly harmless behavior.
The issue mostly stemmed from Katie’s anger that Lala would expose her artfully designed tits in front of her fiancé, Tom Schwartz. Schwartz didn’t seem to mind all that much—he called the swim “tasteful”—but maybe that’s just because he and Katie allegedly fuck with the regularity of pandas in captivity and he didn’t know what to think at the sight of human flesh.
Scheana—who reminds me a lot of Satan (but, like, if Satan flunked out of community college?)—called Lala’s behavior “disrespectful.” Brittany—poor simple Brittany—felt Lala was showing off because, at the time, she believed rumors that Lala was coming for her boyfriend Jax, when—in actuality—Jax was coming for Lala. Brittany’s since been proven wrong, but she’s sticking to her guns regardless. (And we expect nothing less of her.)
So what’s their fucking deal?
“I’m not offended by boobs,” Katie says, but it really seems like she is. Or at least the ones that happen to be attached to Lala.
We know what issues surround the men of Vanderpump (narcissism, narcissism, cocaine abuse, and sociopathy), but the ones held by the women seem a little more murky. Yes, they’re obviously all narcissists too, but their behavior towards new girls (especially when they happen to look like Lala) throws me into full-on trauma flashbacks to middle school. These women are mean, they’re exclusive, and they’re codependent. Fail to play by their rules and they’ll make your life hell. The saddest part: These are mostly people in their 30s.
It’s not all bad, though! Watching the SUR staff go at it is as exciting (if not more exciting) as observing a group of particularly dumb gorillas go about their lives in the wild. They fight, they bone, they shove food and drinks in their faces with a charming lack of sophistication. Do you think Jane Goodall has ever been lucky enough to hear one ape scream “Every day is a good time to take your top off!” at another?