What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting?

Illustration for article titled What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting?

There are so many dirty little secrets about giving birth that don't get shown on the silver screen. I still remember the combination of revulsion and awe I felt when I discovered that many women shit themselves during labor. Revulsion because, ew. Awe because of the wondrous inner workings of the female body! What To Expect When You're Expecting has been the book to buy in debunking these "secrets" of pregnancy since it was first published in 1984. The fourth edition is set to be released next month, and, according to Publishers Weekly, the update includes, "expanded sections on working during pregnancy, expectant beauty, preconception and fatherhood. The chapter on eating while pregnant is more realistic than ever." We're all about keeping it real here at Jezebel, so the childless whores on staff are wondering: what kinds of things should women expect while they're pregnant that probably didn't make it into the book?

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Recent news reports claim that women should expect giving birth to be incredibly hurty. They say that these days, "the gulf between a woman's expectations of what will happen during labour and the reality is now so wide that many need to be prepared for the worst." To this I ask, where are these women's mothers? My mother told me that when she was giving birth to me she begged for more drugs and kept yelling over and over again, "GET IT OUT!"

But besides the searing pain, what else should be known? Do you start emitting supernaturally powered farts? Does your hair get really shiny? Do you really start craving pickles? We want answers!

'What To Expect' Readies For A Rebirth [Publishers Weekly]

Women Should Be Warned That Childbirth REALLY Is Painful, Say Medical Researchers [Daily Mail]

DISCUSSION

@Archetype:

My mom is as hippy and pear-shaped as can be (and was, before geting pregnant) and she was in labor with me (small baby) for 24h before finally consenting to a C-section. So no, hip size does not appear to be related to the dilation you achieve. A hipless friend gave birth to her first, and he was a really big baby too, after just 2h with no problem.

Hips appear to be an advantage when carrying around the large belly though, cause this same friend of mine had to walk like a duck in the final months of pregnancy. I think she didn't have wide enough hips to help her find her center of gravity.

My most terrifying pregnancy question, now that I'm trying to conceive, is: do your feet go back to their original size after pregnancy? I've been polling people and so far only one said she still wears the same shoes. I'm mourning my pretty pretty shoe collection in advance. So please, Jezzie moms, help me out here.