What’s Inside the Crazy $80,000 Gift Bags for Oscar Losers

The only thing worse than not being nominated for an Oscar is being nominated and then losing the Oscar. (Just kidding: There’s absolutely nothing on Earth that’s possibly worse than losing an Oscar.) Such psychic wounds can’t be easily mended, but this year’s Oscar losers will receive a modest gift bag worth $80,000. Really, it’s the least anyone could do.

According to RedEye, the batshit gift bags — courtesy of some L.A. marketing firm that must be swimming in excess cash — will go to the losing nominees from the Best Actor/Actress, Best Supporting Actor/Actress, and Best Director categories. With five nominees (and therefore four losers) in each of those category, that comes out to $1.6 million dollars worth of swag. And what, pray tell, do these magical vessels of conspicuous consumption contain? RedEye breaks it down for us:

Chocolates from Chicago-based Chocolatines. (For sadness.)

10,000 Halo Natural Pet Food meal donations made to the losers pet charity of choice. (They’ll probably forget to do this.)

Hydroxycut protein shakes, bars and gummies. (To offset the chocolates.)

Swiss-made Slow Watches (Who needs to know the actual time? It’s Hollywood.)

Betty Jane candies (Need more Hydroxycut.)

Skincare products from Acure Organics (Crap for your face.)

Jan Lewis bracelets and ties (Will be re-purposed as a gift for the housekeepers or nannies, probably.)

Cannonball wine (Drink your feelings.)

A wearable camera by Narrative Clip (Worse than Google Glass.)

PolarLoop activity tracker (To alert the Paparazzi.)

Bee Free Honee organic apple honey (LOL)

Blossom Blends “bespoke” teas (A Google search for what “bespoke” teas are was not fruitful. A query to RedEye’s resident foodies Lisa Arnett and Kate Bernot defined “bespoke” anything as a pretentious way of saying “custom.”)

MACE pepper spray gun (To keep away the aforementioned alerted paparazzi.)

Fine art from Gizara Art (Another housekeeper gift.)

Jitzeu Handbags (To carry tiny dogs.)

The LOADED book series (Amazon says it’s from the author of “The Slap.”)

Steamist Total Sense home spa system (Someone’s masseuse is out of the job, now.)

Aviv 613 luxury vodka (Luxury flask worthy.)

Wrag Wrap luxury sustainable gift wrap. (WHAT?)

Dosha Pops (From their site, it’s a lollipop that is designed to balance your doshic energy.)

VETVIK “The Covert” leather iPhone case (Very discreet.)

HISY wireless camera shutter remote for iPhones (Selfie.)

Mane ‘n Tail haircare products and Concieved by Nature styling stuff (Horse shampoo.)

The Green Garmento Gargantote and dry cleaning bag (It’s literally a sustainable laundry bag.)

Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons (Someone is going to get hurt.)

Epic Pet Health electrolyte therapy (THESE ARE THE END TIMES.)

M3K Beauty products for “exceptionally vibrant skin.” (Better than moderately vibrant, really.)

DrainWig (There was no description of this. Maybe it’s better that way? Oh, it’s seriously JUST A DRAIN PLUG.)

Accupuncture sessions with Heather Lounsbury (Nickname “The Needler.)

Personal training sessions at Huntley Drive Fitness (Another personal trainer to the stars bites the dust.)

Rouge Maple “best maple syrup you’ve ever tasted.” (Aunt Jemima wants a word, Rouge.)

Slimware portion-control plates (Ya feelin’ fat yet, Hollywood?)

Coolway “no damage” Go Pro blow dryer ($139.90.)

Simon’s Happy Pet Shampoo (THE LOCUSTS ARE APPROACHING.)

Wonder Glow Organic Lipgloss from Makeup Studio by Diane Capt (Made from real dirt, probably.)

Knit & Co. cable knit mittens (One of the first practical things in this list.)

Krystal Klear Water whole house water filtration system. (Now that your pet is hydrated, drink some water!)

The O-Shot procedure by Dr. Charles Runels (Okay, so regretfully this was looked up. It’s also called the “Orgasm Shot” and, short answer, it’s sort of like a stem-cell shot in the vagina that claims to make sex better.)

ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System performed by Dr. William Yates (Who himself is not a robot.)

Max Martin luxury American-made shoes (USA! USA!)

Vacation packages to the Canadian Rockies, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Mexico and Japan. (Remember, these people LOST the Oscar.)

Small consolation, but at least the losers can douse their misery with high-end maple syrup.