What Rich People's Children Will Be For Halloween This Year

September’s here, which means Halloween is right around the corner. And the Wishcraft kiddie costume catalog turned up in my mailbox, with an elegantly undead family on the cover and some interesting costumes inside. Vampires, ghosts and cultural appropriation, oh my! And just when you thought it was safe to take a look, you find that the prices are the scariest part.

This catalog has the usual suspects — Alice, Dorothy, Cinderella, Batman, cop, doctor, and a shitload of fairies. But the other stuff is way more interesting. And pricey.

The “Indian Maharani Princess” costume is $78 for the top and sari. $28 for the headpiece, $8 for the bindi, $28 for the necklace, $18 for the earrings, $10 for the bangles and $26 for the jeweled bracelets. The mom’s ensemble starts at $108. That’s a lot of rupees.

The “Dream Genie” ensemble actually covers the belly, unlike the blue I Dream Of Jeannie get ups I remember girls wearing when I was a kid. ($48)

Just three words for the child bride: Do not want. ($98 for the dress; $25 for the tiara; $14 for the veil; $12 for the “big diamond ring.”)

The Marie Antoinette costume is awesome, no lie. But it would be so much better if it came with a wee guillotine.

(Dress, $88; wig, $30; choker, $14; fan, $12; petticoat, $28)

The Empress Josephine gown and coat come together for $98. Jailed husband and bad teeth not included.

Nope! Sorry. Robin Hood will always be a fox, and Maid Marian will always be a vixen. No humans allowed. Not in Nottingham.

(Robin Hood 2-piece set, $48; hat, $20; armbands, $10; bootcovers, $14. Maid Marian dress, $78; headpiece with veil, $24, cloak, $78)

This “Aztec Princess” ensemble might skew slightly Vegas showgirl, but I love it. Blood sacrifices for everyone!

(Dress, $58; feathered headpiece, $34; armbands, $14, cape, $48)

Uh, did someone say showgirl?

Let’s be honest with each other, shall we? No one will look at that little girl and think “Red Kimono Princess.” They will think “geisha.” Sad, but true.

Related: Is now a good time to talk about cultural appropriation?

How about now?

There’s a chance that I would have begged for this Cleopatra costume when I was a kid. Instead, I used some eyeliner, an old caftan of my mom’s and a scarab necklace around the forehead. Bam. Instant Cleo, for zero cash.

(2 piece set, $79; beaded headpiece, $18; snake armband, $9)

Can’t snark. Too cute. Send help!

Koala paw! Elephant dog!

Add up all that stuff in the Michael Jackson costume and you’ve spent $124. Two words for the Kiss Demon: “CHOKING HAZARD.”

Coming this fall on MTV: Transylvanian Shore.

Coming this fall on the CW: Diablo Bro, the show about a girl forced to attend the same junior high school as her stupid and annoying evil little brother, who happens to be Satan. Airing after The Vampire Diaries.

Spooky casting. I actually feel like these Ghosts Of Plantation Owners Past are fucking judging me. Fuckers.