What Name Could You Never F*ck?

Illustration for article titled What Name Could You Never F*ck?

There's something about being physically intimate — and, usually, some degree of emotionally intimate — with a lover that can inspire one to say his (or her) name. It's an almost-unconscious way that, in the midst of hopefully mind-erasing physical pleasure, your heart acknowledges or betrays the fact that the sex isn't just about sex but also about the person with whom you're doing it. In my case, it's an impossible thing to fake because faking requires thought and I'm not usually all about the rational thoughts in the middle of sex. And saying someone's name, creating without aforethought that moment of emotional intimacy, is great, for me, when the guy has a name that isn't cringe-worthy. But what if he is, say, named Ralph? Can you still bone a guy if his name makes you want to snicker?In my case, the answer is both "yes," and "not for very long." I went out with a guy named Ralph. When I told my friends about him, I always said his name extremely apologetically. Perhaps it's being a child of the 80s and immature, but it is really, really, really hard not to think about the phrase "ralphing" (i.e., vomiting) when I hear the name Ralph — and it's doesn't help that once, when he decided without my input that I really could deep throat if I tried, I puked on his crotchtal area. It also doesn't help that my two archetypical Ralphs are the nerdy kid from A Christmas Story and The Simpsons' Ralph Wiggum. I was never able to put my mental discomfort with his name aside long enough to shout it in intimate ecstasy, since it nearly always brought me out of the moment between the connotations of vomit, horn-rimmed glasses and nose-picking. So, while I can't say I would never fuck a Ralph, I can't imagine doing so again — and, given that I already know I couldn't let go of the name the last time, I know there are guys I just shouldn't bother going out with down the line. So what names should I be avoiding? What's the name that you just couldn't bring yourself to say in bed?


Share This Story

Get our newsletter



Some names are a no-no unless combined with an English accent. For instance, Hugh or Colin. And they must allso be combined with "Grant," "Laurie" or "Firth."

And Ralph is only appropriate when combined with Fiennes, but I'd probably just call him Voldy anyway.

Also, Rick's a no-go, because I'd always want to ask if he spelled his name with a silent "P." (If you get that reference, you're too awesome for words. BTW, I'd totally date a Vyvyan, but never a Niel.)

Oddly enough I've always had a thing for guys named Johnny, and I ended up marrying one.