It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved by inhaling copious amounts marijuana. (Did we mention? Don't do drugs!) Got a burning question? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org with "pot psychology" in the subject line.
Dear Slut Machine, I have a crush on my guy friend's roommate. I'm tempted to tell my friend that I heart his roommate, but I'd rather handle my own business. How do I go about showing his roommate that I'm interested without using my friend as a middle-man?
Orchestrate a situation (without making it seem like an orchestration) where you guys are all together at a time you think you will all get drunk. Like, drunk drunk. It'll work itself out from there. If they don't drink, then I can't imagine them being fun to hang out with, so you should just fuck the roommate and then peace on them both. If you don't drink, then maybe you should, if you're having problems like this. Happy holidays!
Dear Slut Machine, There is a young gentleman whose company I enjoy greatly; he seems favorably disposed toward me, as he tends to compliment my pink hair and biker boots. However, I fret over the possibility that I have given him the wrong impression of me. I typically see this particular gentleman at dinner parties hosted by our respective churches. I generally am somewhat more ladylike in these situations than usual, as my clergywoman has expressed disapproval of the f-bomb and I do so like to please her. I have also been somewhat less ebullient than I ordinarily am over the past few months; my father has been ill and I have been worried. Also, as a respected pillar of the community and president of one of the organizations which host these events, I feel the need to keep the conversation flowing between all attendees. As a result, I fear that I may have inadvertently given him the impression that I was uninterested in what he had to say when we last saw each other a fortnight ago by jumping into another conversation...or four. I do have a definite tendency toward being overly self-protective and trying to avoid having others know of my crushes, which may have been the reason for my pointless exercises in ignoring the gentleman whom I think of quite constantly when we're not in the same room. What is the appropriate etiquette for apologizing for these indiscretions and subtly indicating that one is romantically inclined toward another? Further, any suggestions as to how I might get him away from the formal environs of church without having 15 other college students going, "Ooooooooooh!" about it and gossiping?
Oh my God. OK, if you are a respected pillar of the community, what in the hell are you doing asking me for advice? I don't do well with pillars, people who go to church...I saw the word "clergywomen" in there somewhere. Also, I had to use the dictionary at one point when reading this. All of this indicates to me that you're too smart to be asking these questions, and too much of an adult to follow any of the advice that I could possibly give you on this. I have to tell you that the church thing is what throws me off the most, because I feel like anything I could tell you would involve a lot of sinning—and maybe a broken law or two.
But listen, do you remember that retarded book that Paris Hilton wrote, Confessions of an Heiress? (The subhead for it was something like "tongue-in-chic" if that gives you any idea about it.) Anyway, she actually gave a tip on how to live that I found strangely useful and kind of wise. "Tell people what they want to hear, and then do what you want." So that's what you should do. Act like Paris Hilton. Act like someone that is not a respected pillar of the community.
Dear Slut Machine, What's the right response when a close friend asks you what you think of their potential or new or soon-to-be-ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Regardless of what I think, it seems like I'm always put on the spot to say exactly what she/he wants to hear.
Yeah, you have to say something nice. There has to be something nice to say about the person. And if you don't like him or her, don't say so, just pick an unimportant thing about them that's positive and mention it. Like, "His coat is cool." That way you don't look like a jerk, but you're also not endorsing the person. Don't ever say something negative, unless it's like so important, like you found out the person is a murderer or whatever. Learn from the mistakes of Lauren Conrad.
Dear Slut Machine, How do I nicely, and without sounding like my mother, tell my boyfriend that his table manners suck?
Start by saying, "Yo, what the fuck?" Then say, "It would be cool if you could act cool when we're at dinner." Then say whatever else and finish with, "Seriously, dude." I bet you wouldn't sound like your mom if you put it that way.