What in the HELL Are Those?

Illustration for article titled What in the HELL Are Those?
Screenshot: TeamKanye (Instagram)

As the rest of us trudge through the dregs of 2019, famous people like Kris Jenner and her assorted constituents are doing the same. TMZ reports that Jenner was spotted in St. Bart’s wearing a pair of “shoes” so befuddling that they felt it necessary to publish the photos—an act for which I am grateful, because upon viewing the shoes in question, I have some thoughts, questions, and concerns.


The shoe in question, per TMZ, is a Yeezy prototype spotted on the foot of Kanye sometime in April and also in July, per Instagram fan account TeamKanye. One imagines that Kanye has been wearing these shoes for some time, but that is neither here nor there, because I know about them NOW and feel great agita at what is essentially the child of an Aqua Sock and a tai chi shoe existing in the world for the rumored price of $220. I understand that my reaction to the shoe is part of the shoe’s intent, and that by being angry about Kanye’s fashion output is what he desires. Acknowledging this does not lessen the pain caused by these shoes, which are essentially a joke that costs as much as my electric bill in the summertime. Kanye’s aesthetic commitment to his as-yet-announced cult is admirable, but just because it is doesn’t mean the clothes or the shoes are attractive. I can see the arch of Kanye’s foot so clearly it is as if his foot is nude. It’s a dancer’s foot, delicate, narrow, soft. I never wanted to see it. No thank you.

Who, precisely, are these shoes for? My guess is Yeezy acolytes who line up at Supreme in below-zero weather, kitted out like an army of idiosyncratic ninjas in a variety of drapey technical fabrics. But if these shoes are actually shoes and not an enormous joke that I have fallen for, hook, line, and sinker, I’d suggest lowering the price and marketing them to either the hordes of Chinese grandmothers silently doing tai chi in parks around the world or small children who cannot be bothered to wear socks but definitely need to wear shoes. There you go, Mr. West. I solved your problem. The shoes are for the children. You’re welcome.

Senior Writer, Jezebel


Seriously, though, you have to be able to mass produce cheap cult shoes.  Can’t be too fancy.