What If the Academy Voters Chose Ben & Jerry’s Flavors?

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After facing a just measure of outrage for their Jeremy Lin ice cream, Ben and Jerry fed each other a tender last spoonful of "Taste the Lin-Sanity" and decided to remove the fortune cookie shards from their latest ice cream because apparently not even ice cream barons know how to cope with an prominent Asian-American athlete beyond making racist jokes. Though the great ice cream decision is just the latest iteration of Jeremy Lin exploitation fuck-ups, it comes to us on the eve of the most contentious decision-making spectacle all year — the Academy Awards. What flavor would the Academy have chosen for its Jeremy Lin ice cream or, more appropriately, what flavors would it have chosen for the mediocre movies and overexposed actors it nominated for awards?


Well, first of all, we know this is a completely outrageous hypothetical because the Academy would never in its right mind nominate a female-created anything and all ice cream comes to us courtesy of the sweet, life-giving udders of gracious cows. However, assuming that the stern, humorless cinephiles that comprise the Academy's old, crusty guard were in the ice cream-naming racket, you can bet your [pint of] Cinnamon Buns that the typical Ben & Jerry's playfulness would disappear because comedy is simply too trifling to garner bludgeon-sized gold-plated statues.

  • Brad Peach-Pitt Cobbler
    You're a fan of Brad Pitt? You like Ben & Jerry's Peach Cobbler? Well, this flavor is nothing like that because each pint contains three fractured peach-pits instead of the cinnamon sugar shortbread pieces you've been coddled on your whole life. Honestly, did you think Brad Pitt could do silly movies like Snatch for the rest of his career? He needs a role with (slightly) more gravitas! (Warning: Choking and/or teeth shattering hazard. Enjoy cautiously.)

  • War Horsecream
    In honor of the movie War Horse, enjoy a plain vanilla ice cream made from wholesome, restorative horse milk (with notes of hay, oat, carrot, and a modest number of sugar cubes).

  • Incredibly Loud About Asking for & Extremely Close to My Ice Cream
    If you're tired of having to share your ice cream with friends or oppressive, judgmental relatives, this is the flavor for you — it's completely tasteless and odorless, so no one would ever ask for it ever. Enjoy!
  • Pathogens in Paris
    Celebrate Woody Allen's nostalgic trip to the streets of 1920's Paris and feel more continental with this limited edition ice cream, which is non-pasteurized just the way old-timey Parisians would have liked it.
  • Meryl Peeps
    Everyone likes, Peeps, right? That perennial Easter sugar-encrusted zoomorphic marshmallow candy that keeps appearing on grocery store shelves season after season whether people are actually buying them or store owners are selling them after Easter at a discount to badminton leagues is all mushed up in a creamy vanilla ice cream that you'll enjoy, dammit, because you don't have any better alternatives.
  • Jean Dujardin Ovaltine
    Take your taste buds on a trip back to the silent film era, when Ovaltine was just getting really popular in America. This ice cream is chocolate with...it's pretty much just chocolate, with a little bit of dust.
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tat-Tutti-Frutti
    Sprinkled throughout Rooney Mara's commemorative ice cream are, along with bits of Fruity Pebbles, cheese and pickle sandwich flecks, coffee grinds, and frozen pizza flavor dust.
  • Hugo Surprise
    The surprise is that Martin Scorsese directed a kid's movie (and the ice cream is filled with little gears and pieces of metal in honor of the movie's automaton).
  • The Dental Artist
    If you enjoy not speaking and trips to the dentist's office, this is your kind of ice cream. It's made with (entirely of) taffy and is sure to 1) rip your molars out of their sockets and 2) keep your gob so full you won't be able even to cry out in pain. It'll definitely take some kind of dental artist to reconstruct your smile.
  • Forever a Bridesmaid
    In honor of the ironically titled movie that was simply never asked to walk down the Academy aisle, this rich vanilla ice cream contains the bittersweet bite of cheap champagne and a salty accent of fresh tears.
  • Minny Jackson's Chocolate Explosion
    Somebody noticed that there was an awful lot of vanilla ice cream in this list and so decided to add a flavor in honor of The Help. This rich, dark chocolate ice cream contains what you hope are chocolate chips as well as a thin and narratively essential swirl of vanilla.



What about The Help's Clean Sweep: A somewhat bland vanilla ice cream overwhelming a delicious chocolate swirl that you wish was in a different variety because it is so much better than the vehicle it's stuck in.