Until last night, I had never watched an entire episode of Two and a Half Men. Its absence in my life wasn't an accident, but a carefully planned situation. I had purposefully changed the channel every time it had come on, a move I've only made for one other show (Everybody Loves Raymond). Just those brief glances were enough to make it clear that this program was not for me; thankfully, even putting together this supercut didn't require viewing anything close to a whole episode.
Here is what I learned from the one, final episode I viewed.
Charlie Sheen died four years ago and is no longer on the show. When that happened, Ashton Kutcher entered the picture by showing up at Duckie from Pretty in Pink's house, causing Duckie to scream and drop an urn of Charlie Sheen's ashes. The ashes went everywhere.
Very fine actress Melanie Lynskey has somehow found herself on this program, as a woman who reveals that Charlie Sheen did not die in some weird explosion??? Instead, she keeps him in pit in her basement. A nice pit. Food and sex are involved.
Charlie was a music publisher who made children's records and in four years those records have amassed him $2.5 million in royalties.
Jokes about butt plugs, herpes and other STDs have all been made. Ashton Kutcher also says, "I can't wait for this to be over." Oh we get it Ashton. Cute.
Holland Taylor is a goddess and the paycheck from this show must be good.
Everyone just believes Melanie's character that Charlie died, because it happened when they were together in France and she brought back an urn of his ashes. ("What do you want me to do, test them for herpes?") But there's no records of his death, which Duckie needs in order to basically steal this $2.5 million from his mother and Charlie's daughter.
Something about a numbered account in the Cayman Islands. Uh oh, is Charlie alive?
Spoiler: Yes, but not here.
Their foul-mouthed maid has a big band aid on her arm and I want to know why.
Ashton Kutcher's ladyfriend is reading Cosmopolitan in bed while he goes down on her. Excellent product placement.
Apparently Melanie's character's name is Rose and she is "a crazy millionairess who used to stalk Charlie and then he married her and then she started stalking me," according to Duckie. Okay Duckie. Sure. Sure that you slept with her. Sure that she stalked you.
"After 12 years, everybody slept with everybody." 12 years?! This show has been on for TWELVE YEARS?
"You slept with my mom!" No that was just a handy in a hotel bar." Duckie also apparently slept with Ashton's ex-girlfriend. How.
Here is another quote about Amber Tamblyn's character, who is apparently Charlie's lesbian daughter: "Wow you hang a penis on that girl and you've got Charlie."
Joke about chlamydia.
"MENNNNNN." This theme song is even more insufferable when you don't watch this episode with commercials. Btw this episode is twice as long as a regular one. Btw what acappella group recorded this theme song and are they rolling in royalties? Does the amount of the royalties come to $2.5 million?
Here is an animated version of Charlie Sheen because clearly, this is better than bringing him back.
Was every episode of this show after Charlie Sheen left still about Charlie Sheen? What did they do while he was "dead"?
Okay now it is confirmed that Charlie is alive but everyone is afraid of him and how he's going to kill them. Everyone on this show is a bad person.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a detective. Sure. He recaps the whole series which is helpful for those of us who have not been watching, but is mostly uninteresting and still doesn't make much sense. I would love a little context as to why Ashton Kutcher's character tried to drown himself though. Or why he and Duckie got gay married.
A child is referred to as "eurasian." Oh.
"...anger management." "Yeah, but it didn't work." Hah good joke. Cause Charlie Sheen's show Anger Management on FX was cancelled. Good one.
That kid who was on the show but left the show cause it sucked came back. Seriously, I gotta look up these salaries. Anyway, he looks like this now.
They then make a joke about making a lot of money for something stupid and all look at the audience. Is anyone even trying here?
"I just wanna say I'm having sex with John Stamos," says JUDY GREER, who apparently used to date Ashton Kutcher's character. Good for you JUDY! "You're just a handsome guy who got lucky on a sitcom," Ashton says to Stamos. Ohhh that's another one of those jokes. How does this man have a child with Mila Kunis?
I have totally lost track of what is happening, partially because it seems like every woman who has ever played anyone's love interest on this show has made a cameo appearance and they all look alike. It seems like Charlie Sheen has been arrested, so he's not going to kill everyone for inexplicable reasons. And then a man pretending to be him comes to the house, but we only see his back. And then a piano drops on that man. And then a piano drops on Chuck Lorre.
And then that was the end of one of the two of the two and a half men. Or more. How many men are left? Who cares.
Image via CBS