What Do You Fear Most About The Terrorists Winning?

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In just four days, Osama Bin Laden is going to interrupt Fashion Week to address the nation, which reminded me of a personal obsession of mine: imagining how I would cope if the terrorists really won and America became an Islamic theocracy. I actually think about this every time I have sex — specifically I think, "If America was an Islamic theocracy, or a Christian theocracy because the Christians took up arms and turned out to have better ones, and one of them made some rule that I had to marry this person or, like, be burned at the stake, could I deal with that?" And, like, usually I figure "yes," because I'm easy, and because I heard that in Iran you can drink alcohol as long as you keep it in the house, and I'm pretty sure alcohol is essential to soothing an ill-advised marriage, although I hear they use opium in Afghanistan and "rampant wealth" to the same effect in Saudi Arabia. There are other concerns: R. Kelly would probably be banned, and L'il Wayne, but what of Fashion Week? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad? We decided to poll our friends.


Tracie said her first concern was "eating something fattening" like "chipotle dipped bacon." Yum! Pillhead said "getting raped." "Reading books that aren't Koran" was the first thought of our pervy brother at Fleshbot. (Heh, "books." A weekly celeb mag editor who listed "vaguely, less freedom?" as his primary concern added the thought: "Osama Bin Laden's extreme fundamentalist makeover has been on my mind today. His decision to dye his beard has provided a silly but fascinating human interest angle-I can't wait for his Just For Men ad. While he's at, how about less anthrax and more botox?" Meanwhile in the realm of our most truly substantial, dignified friends, my roommate simply typed "BURKA BURKA BURKA," and then something about how it would affect her hair, and a friend who's gotten five girls pregnant said, "Oh, God. The STENCH. Those people use goat dick for deodorant, don't they?"

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@Daniele: Having grown up as a baptist preacher's kid, I feel pretty confident in saying that enjoying the bacon, booze, butts, butt sex, broads, (and in your case) blood transfusions comes from being able to tell God and His/Her emissaries her on earth to stuff it. This was only reinforced when I lived in a muslim country for a bit.

But seriously, ladies, you need to learn the different names for the veils. Sure, there's the always-attractive burqa, but you've also got your niqab, your chador, the al-amira, the shayla, the hijab, the jilbab, the abayia. Why, the options are positively endless. (Um, not really. That's pretty much it.)

Anyway, I want to change my vote. What I would miss most about living under religious law would be, to quote the title of an old Irwin Shaw short story, "The Girls in Their Summer Dresses."