We've Found The Worst Christmas Song Ever

Weeks worth of toiling and thousands of votes, and it’s down to this: the moment of Great Reveal. You’ve chosen which audio blight deserves the title of Worst Christmas Song of All Time! And, the winner is…

The Christmas Shoes

I knew you wouldn’t let me down. This song is a zit on the nape of Christmas’s neck. Singing this loud for all to hear is the worst way to spread Christmas cheer. It is to the holidays what bloody nipples are to running a marathon. It would have been better off pursuing its dream of being a dentist. It’s what the French call, “les incompetents.” It’s one of the shiny aluminum trees that horrified Charlie Brown. It singlehandedly drove Rob Lowe to remind us that he’s a former child star by playing Drew Peterson in a Lifetime Original Film wherein he’s required to say “I’m untouchable, bitch!” with a straight face and ride around on a motorcycle. Let’s get this song a Red Rider beebee gun so it can shoot its own eye out. Whatever the True Meaning of Christmas is, this is the opposite. Let’s never again let it join in any Reindeer Games. One more time, for posterity:

God, you guys, it’s so awful. You’re so right. It really is the Worst Christmas Song of All Time.

As a jilted contestant on The Bachelor would say while crying mascara all over her face as she stands outside a McMansion that’s surrounded by bird baths covered in plastic grape vines: I’ve really enjoyed this journey. But one thing I’ve learned during the course of December Madness is that people have really strong opinions about Christmas songs, and there are others out there that may not have the high profile and radio play of “The Christmas Shoes,” but still deserve your derision. So, for your enjoyment and amusement, a bonus round of songs that weren’t on the bracket, but that were brought to my attention via your heartfelt messages of both support and oh my god shut up. Included on this list of never-rans are such barf all over yourself favorites as “The Twelve Days of Christmas” (the “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” of Christmas), “My Grown Up Christmas List,” and the heretofore unknown “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey.”

May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmas songs be tolerable.