Were the Cast of Laguna Beach Wizards? An Investigation

Illustration for article titled Were the Cast of Laguna Beach Wizards? An Investigation

Earlier today, the MTV archivists were digging through all the various hallowed tomes contained within the MTV Vault, when — by some stroke of divine fortune — they came across a clip of the Laguna Beach cast discussing where they would be in 10 years. The clip was filmed exactly(ish) 1o years ago. Was the Laguna Beach cast comprised of wizards gifted with clairvoyance? Let's see.


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Here, we see the cast clustered around lemon water like so many sibyls of Cumae, searching for esoteric answers in their large sunglasses and the occasional tortilla chip. Let us examine the present circumstances now, ten years later, in order to determine if their prophecies came true.


"Where, where do you think — like, not where you think you'll be in 10 years, but where we think each other will be in 10 years, you know?" asks Morgan, who has covered her face and head in accessories that were later placed in a mid-2000s Regret Capsule and burned of their impurities.


Prediction 1: "You'll be married and living back here," Christina tells Morgan. Disappointment settles over the table like soot. "With your cute little family!" interjects Lauren Conrad. Things start to look up for everyone.


Reality: Morgan Olsen is married and lives in LA. She runs her own lifestyle blog and does have a cute little family — just look at that adorable baby. And look at this artisanal wedding. Damn.

Are They Wizards? So far, yes. I think it's safe to assume they are wizards.

Prediction 2: "Lauren, in 10 years, is gonna, like, be driving her big silver Mercedes," forsees Lo. "And, like, be living in her beach house with her billionaire husband." "Her super hot husband," adds Morgan. Lauren Conrad cackles a pleased wizard cackle.


Reality: Lauren Conrad has three cars, according to this car blog I discovered. According to my observations of these car photos, one is a Mercedes; one is big; and one is silver. So, sort of? Sometimes gazing into the future is complicated. As for the other predictions: L.C. lives in a beach house. She is engaged to some guy from Something Corporate, a pop punk band from the 2000s. He is not a billionaire.

Are They Wizards? Maybe William Tell is a billionaire in other ways.

Prediction 3: "I see Lo at the reunion waltzing in with her, like, bling [and] fur" intones Lauren Conrad. "Except she's some hot executive business woman," says Christina. "My life sucks!" laments Lo. She had not yet read Lean In.


Reality: Here is a photo of Lo wearing fur and understated bling. She runs a lifestyle blog and a YouTube channel, which I guess makes her a hot executive business woman? Wikipedia says that she is an entrepreneur, which certainly means somethin'. But why the fuck did none of these Hills witches mention that she was going to be a very important food blogger?


Prediction 4: "Where will I be, guys?" asks Christina, quickly answering her own question: "I'll be going to the Oscars." "With, like, the huge gown," says Lauren Conrad. You know the gown. The huge one.


Reality: Christina is a fitness instructor now; she just had a baby. She has not been to the Oscars, nor has she worn the huge gown.

Are They Wizards? No, no they are not. This was a terrible prediction, and they all knew it and went along with it, which is something a pack of wizards would never do. (Also, they all ganged up on Kristin Cavallari that one time for wearing white to the black and white party, which is the opposite of what a wizard is meant to do when faced with a rival in ivory robes.)


In conclusion, the cast of Laguna Beach are not wizards. The cast of The Hills, on the other hand, definitely are.


Kate Dries

Maybe William Tell is a billionaire in other ways.