We're Breaking Up With Noah Centineo

Noah Centineo, who stars in two recent Netflix romcoms, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and Sierra Burgess Is A Loser, has taken over the internet seemingly overnight. Everyone has a crush on him, and even Jezebel staffers (specifically, fine, me) have written long odes to his handsome-ness and toothpaste-propaganda smile. His hair looks like it smells really nice, and he looks tall. But no matter—today is the day that the staff of Jezebel is taking a collective stand on the issue of whether we’re dating Noah Centineo or not, and the answer is: No, we are not dating Noah Centineo.

I honestly forget why this came up, so I went back in our Slack, and now I remember: It’s because last night, a sultry photo essay by artist Sarah Bahbah, titled “Dear Love” and featuring Centineo bathed in the golden light of the morning, looking like he just woke up next to you, appeared on Instagram and has been making headlines today.

I will hand it to him and whoever the heck asks me: The man is hot, and the essay got me to consider for a split second what it would be like to wake up next to Centineo. “I dreamt we were in love, and then I woke up,” reads the caption on one such photo, and I briefly wondered whether Centineo or the photographer is the speaker. But then I realized, I don’t care! Because I’m tired of the Centineo hype, and the internet’s collective thirst. Are there no other hotties out there for us to talk about? Are there no objectors to the Noah-mania? Do his eye look more green or hazel to you in this light? I DIGRESS—whatever we (the staff of Jezebel as a whole) had with Centineo (who has never met any of us, to the best of my knowledge), it’s OVER.

But of course I don’t actually speak for the editorial staff as a whole and I never could, so I asked some of my colleagues for their stance on the emerging Noah schism (it’s me; it’s just me splintering off from the rest of Twitter). Here’s what they had to say, in their own words:

Esther Wang, Contributor

Maria Sherman, Senior Writer

Hazel Cills, Pop Culture Reporter

Megan Reynolds, Managing Editor

There you have it. We (me) are never ever ever ever getting back together with internet heartthrob Noah Centineo (who I was never dating in the first place). You heard it. Here first.