Welcome to My New Home, Martha Stewart's Walk-in Closet

A fun activity for those dissatisfied with their current living situation in search of something better is to peruse the annals of Zillow or Streeteasy in search of a better life. Thankfully (for me), all I had to do is turn to Martha Stewart’s brand-new, absolutely gigantic walk-in closet, featured in the April issue of Martha Stewart Living.

The news of my new home comes via People, who implored me to “see inside Martha Stewart’s meticulous (and massive!) walk-in closet!” Unable to resist the siren call of organizationally-skewed clickbait, I engaged. What greeted me was something completely unexpected—a new home in Martha Stewart’s house in Bedford, New York.

The closet was created by transforming one of what I can assume is many unused spare bedrooms, and has everything a single woman like me could ever need. There is a clothes folding station with a marble top, which could very easily double as a kitchenette for me and my sad hot plate meals of baked beans and Hot Pockets.

There’s a window seat—my new bed!—that doubles as storage. Every clothing item is folded within an inch of its life and hung on hangers that never tangle. What a dream it would be to remove heaps of cashmere from the cupboards and lay them down to create a soft carpet of luxury—a sweetly-scented nest for a gross interloper who has taken up residence in Martha Stewart’s walk-in closet and refuses to leave.

I will do whatever Martha requires of me in exchange for rent—clean up after Empress Tang, her smush-faced Persian cat or help her copyedit The Martha Blog. Perhaps Empress Qin needs assistance and another escort to Florida for some much-needed R&R. Maybe Martha wants me to fold the pants that line the walls of my new home. Perchance the laminated laundry tags that provide care instructions for her wondrous garments require bi-weekly Windexing. Whatever Martha needs. I will do it. Thank you for my new home!

A fun bonus: gaze upon these wooden Easter eggs, which I will certainly be making in lieu of paying rent.